The Anxiety Shut-In Hour: Friendship is hard

Making friends as an adult is really difficult.

Let me rephrase. Making friends is really difficult. I don't know how people did it as children. In 1988 my mum told me that Amy was my friend but she wasn't in my kindy class - she was in the other kindy class. I was KW and she was K some other letter.

I remember speaking to her once before she had to go back to her class but then I didn't really know where her classroom was.

I spent my lunchtime with Sarah who nobody liked. I didn't like her either, because I was incapable of forming my own opinions about anything and wouldn't be able to do so for another twenty years but we hid under some of the bushes because it was a more pleasant way to spend time than anywhere we could be seen and the other kids would make a big deal about running away from us.

In 1992 Ramona was my best friend and we were, actually, friends. She beat me at monopoly every time and we had our own pretend radio station we'd announce from the trampoline. But somehow at school she and the other kids would talk about stuff that they had done outside of school that I was never invited to or involved in. Parties with boys. Who was dating who. It was like she had this whole other social world that I wasn't a part of.

I've never had the sort of self esteem problems that made me think people (in general, or specific) hated me. I never had enough self for that, I suppose. I had friends. But I always felt that everyone else were much better friends with each other than they were with me.

We'd start off on the same footing. In 1996 I sat with a group of other girls in English and by the end of the year they were best friends and I had never invited any of them to my house.

I'm exaggerating of course. In 1997 I had three people who I called my "best friend". One at school, one interstate and one in another country. I wrote a lot of letters.

But I didn't feel like I really "got it".

In 2000 I joined the coolsig forum and I met a lot of cool(sig) people. I had some pretty great electric friendships. They seemed easier to navigate somehow. You talked to people when they were online. You replied to their forum posts. If the last thing in the chat was something the other person said that means it's your turn to speak. Easy. This forum won't be important later.

In 2001 I would probably have called Vanessa my best friend. If I had to name one person who I was the closest friends with. She threw a party for her birthday and she was very sincere in her apology that she couldn't invite me because it was at a Theatre Restaurant and she really could only have 10 people there.

It hurt a lot but not because I thought I should rate somewhere in her top 10 people because, obviously she liked other people more than she liked me and even if she did like me better all her other friends went to school with her (I was out of school, by that time) and were all better friends with each other so it made a lot of sense. But I felt emblematic somehow of my friendships. I liked people and they liked me, I thought. But the whole "being friends" thing was weird and elusive.

Somehow I managed though and in 2002 and the following I met several people who I am confident that I am friends with to this day and I married one of them so I am pretty sure he thinks I am okay.

Actually I think I was always okay at the romantic relationship thing. I mean, I was terrible at it in a teenage too-intense and whoops I am actually mad in a not-always-fun way but I felt like I knew what I was doing even when I was breaking hearts or breaking up.

With friends I never really knew how to start. Or how to continue. Or how to anything. And like I said I still pretty much fumbled along but I was always very sure that this was an area where other people probably knew what they were doing and didn't just stumble upon a few amazing people on second floor and stay friends forever.

And as I got older I realised that nobody really knows what they are doing and we're all just making it up as we go along -

I mentioned this to my godteens recently. I told them that being a teenager is weird and confusing and scary and that being an adult basically feels exactly the same except that one the one hand there is nobody to tell you what to do, which is awesome. But on the other hand there is nobody to tell you what to do, which is terrifying.
"You mean everyone is pretending to be an adult because that's what they think adults do but nobody is actually an adult because everyone feels that way? That's really stupid."
Yes. Yes, it is.

- and probably there are some people who've got the whole friend thing down. And it's not like competence is evenly distributed or, as an ex-coworker of mine seemed to claim, that incompetence in one area is just proof that you're really really awesome at something else. But I can fold fitted sheets, okay?

Anyway I moved cities in 2012 and even though, by luck and coincidence I had a fair number of amazing friends in Melbourne I didn't really know anyone in Sydney.

But I went to some meetup events and met and became friends with some people pretty quickly. Which made me think... maybe this isn't an area that I suck at. Maybe I am actually okay at this. Maybe it wasn't just luck and coincidence and Twitter that gave me Catherine and Morgan and Stefan and Lap and too many other people to mention HI I love you. (and Suresh, obviously)

And then I started some acting classes and in the first class I would be all like "Hi, I'm Elise I make websites tell me some interesting things about you" or whatever and in the second class people would be like "Oh Elise hello I want to sit next to you!" but then by the end of the 12 week term other people would be talking about things they did with each other on the weekend and giving each other lifts home and walking to and from the station together and it was like... how.

But one day as I was walking home, it hit me.

I don't become friends with those people because I don't want to. I like them just fine but they like, I don't know, text each other or something. There is effort and stuff involved in being friends with people and I just... I don't want to do that. I have enough trouble keeping in touch with the people I already know I like.

I thought about how much time and effort I would need to spend in order to remember these things about these people and ask up about them in the future and I would need to think about them (when they weren't even there) and then tell them I was thinking about them and keep up some kind of dialogue of texting or phonecalls or facebook messages in order to build up a friendship. I thought about all of that and I thought "nope. I'll just stick with being the friendly acquaintance, actually. You go be buddies with each other and I'll go home."

And I assume that for a lot of people that sort of thing is automatic. You probably don't need to remind yourself to think about other people when they aren't there. You just do it. Or you see them regularly and that prompts you. Or whatever.

But honestly when Suresh is away I could pretty easily go a week without hanging out with anyone socially. Then I start to get... weird. But I don't really... miss people when I don't see them.

But anyway. ANYWAY. That revelation I had about how other people probably think about each other and text and stuff and that's how they become and stay friends made me realise that even though I really didn't want to do that with most of the people I was meeting in my acting classes it was probably something I could do with the people that I actually already know I like.

And as I mentioned earlier this year I've been using HabitRPG as a sort of reminder checklist and todo-list and I've put tasks on about texing or IMing or otherwise contacting some people that are important to me. Just because they're important to me.

And I joked to my mother, when I was talking to her recently about this sort of thing, that I was ticking off my "call mum" task and she said "isn't it sad that we have to remind ourselves to talk to each other?" and I thought. No. I don't think it's sad. Probably other people just think of their mothers or their daughters or their sisters or their friends and then just call them. But I don't. I have very low social requirements and I don't think of other people mostly unless they're something specific going on. (I'm so great at crisis management. And I can fold fitted sheets.)

But even though I don't do that automatically... I can learn to do it manually. So I try and text Catherine every day even if it is just to say hello. And other people I feel like it's appropriate to talk to them every second day or a couple of times a week or once a week. It's just about finding the rhythm that works and feels right for the friendship. And sometimes I sit at my desk and I think "Text Morgan? I don't have anything interesting to say to them" but then an hour later I'll see a cute dog or think of something funny and I'll send a snapchat or whatever. And I guess I'm trying to have some kind of open dialogue with other people. Because deep down I do really love people and I care about their lives and having some kind of regular communication with them is great. And it's a good barometer of my state of mind because when I start to withdraw from people and not want to talk to them or see them I can prepare myself for whatever storm is approaching.

On the latest episode of The Anxiety Shut-In Hour Anna and Erin talked a bit about friendship. And how it's hard. How it's hard to make new friends as an adult. And I thought "ugh it's hard to make new friends as a kid making friends is terrible and I am terrible at everything" but then I realised, actually. I might not be terrible at friendship anymore. Maybe I was never terrible at it. I still don't feel like I know what I am doing and folding fitted sheets is way easier and more straightforward. But I feel like this is a thing that I can actually do. And I don't know if I do it the same as other people and I don't know if it takes this much actual work for other people (and maybe it doesn't feel like work because it's just enjoyable all the time? I don't know. For me, it's effort. But it's effort that is worth it so I keep doing it).

Anyway The Anxiety Shut-In Hour is a really great podcast. There have been three episodes so far and I recommend it and I think I would like it A LOT even if I hadn't met Erin on that forum (see, not important. But have a callback regardless).

Can I get a 'woop!' for the boxing imagery?

I can't listen to the newest album from Barenaked Ladies - Silverball - without being me and I don't think I would even want to talk about it while pretending that the last 17 years of me being a fan of the Barenaked Ladies existed.

The Barenaked Ladies released Stunt in 1998 which was certainly the best year of my life up until that point. But it's possible I didn't actually hear it until 1999 which was definitely much worse. An unprecedented alignment between me being sure I liked something and me being sure that amongst society and my peers that it was okay for me to like that thing meant I concentrated a lot of liking into the Barenaked Ladies.

I'm a little bit worse for wear

Got a little bit more grey hair

I'm not gonna be the next big thing

But I'm getting fitted for a new brass ring

Then they released Maroon in 2000 which was the year I thought I was having a mental breakdown but didn't say that to anyone because I figured that they'd tell me I was overreacting and that would be belittling to people who were actually having mental breakdowns and that years later I would look back on that time and realise that it wasn't that bad and that I was overreacting and wasn't having a mental breakdown at all because I was a teenager and didn't have to deal with all of the normal stressors of adulthood and I was overreacting to my own overreacting. But mostly I didn't think I could be having a mental breakdown because I couldn't imagine any way that my life could possibly ever get any better than it was right then and was sure that it was on a downhill slide forever.

I've been dunked, I've been kicked around

Now I'm ready for the big rebound

I know you can't win them all

But I'm swingin' like Pitt gettin' hits in Moneyball

A decade and a half later I am pretty sure that I did, in fact, have a mental breakdown that year.

Anyway.

It's difficult to listen to any newer Barenaked Ladies album and not feel some combination of two things.

1. Disappointment that there is no way that this album could possibly mean as much to me as Stunt or Maroon and the reality that it is unlikely that I will ever love an album as much as I loved them

2. Relief and happiness that I don't need this album as badly as I needed those.

Get back, get back up

You gotta get back, get back up

You got a whole stadium on their feet

It's not about a victory or defeat

See you gotta get back, get back up

You gotta get back, get back up

The Placement of Catan

My buddy Anna posted about the Settlers of Catan and I wrote a long comment about my strategies for placing and playing the game but it's too long to be accepted as a comment! So I'm posting it here instead. So probably read her post first!

My strategy for placement depends on when I am placing.

For FIRST placement

1. Placing first I strongly consider placing on a spot that has the highest frequency aggregate. If you play on a board which indicates relative frequency with dots on the tokens you can just count the number of dots and place on a space with the most dots. An exception to this is if that gives me double of one resource and I may sacrifice a dot or two for three different resources rather than doubling up on one.

Another exception would be if one resource is really imbalanced with one good number and two or three really bad numbers. But placing first I would only do that if I get a good frequency on the other numbers.

Relative frequency is the most important factor when placing first because you're second placement is going to be very very restricted and you can't rely on having a good range of resources - go for the numbers because you might need to rely on trading.

Don't worry about where you point your road - everyone's going to muck your plans up anyway. If you're unsure, build a road toward the sea.

2. Placing second is similar to placing first but the first player's placement makes a difference to where you play even if you don't think the first player took the "best" spot.

As you can only place a settlement two vertices away from an existing settlement placing directly opposite another player locks out quite a lot of the board. As there are still FOUR settlements to be placed before you place your second settlement you probably want to make sure you place "on grid" if possible. That way you increase your choices with your second placement.

A major exception to this is if the first player has placed on a rare resource (say one brick has an 8 and the other two bricks are a 2 and a 12. You need to get on that 8 and if you can ensure only two of you are on that 8 you make that resource even more rare and valuable).

But generally, follow rules for placement as the first player but all things being equal try and place on grid.

Don't worry about where you point your road - everyone's going to muck your plans up anyway. If you're unsure, build a road toward the sea.

3. Placing third is, I think, the worst position to be in. But if you're playing with someone who you've played with a lot you may be able to guess where player 4 will place their settlements and work around that (as 4th player my settlements are VERY predictable so someone who plays 3rd player against me might have an advantage for placement because they will be able to guess what I'll do).

As there are only two settlements that will be placed before you place your second settlement it's worth considering what you want from your second settlement. Take a look at the resource combinations on the board - sometimes there will be a LOT of placements that give someone both wheat and sheep, or both wood and ore. If you look at the board and you can see that unless you're very unlucky you'll be able to pick up a wheat/sheep spot on your second placement I think it's worth taking that brick/ore/wood spot even if it's not the highest-frequency spot left.

You can't often predict exactly where your second settlement will go but by looking at the board you should be able to tell what sorts of spaces will be left for you. Try and make sure you can cover most (if not all) resources and I'd even consider placing on a space with a 3 or an 11 (which aren't very frequent numbers) if you think you'll be able to get a full spread on your second placement.

4. Placing fourth is by far my favourite because I heavily favour resource diversity and a large spread of numbers.

If I can place so that I cover all resources and don't double up on any numbers I will do that above almost anything. Of course there are always exceptions and occasionally that isn't possible. In which case my strategy resembles that of placing my second placement as third player.

Don't worry about where you point your road - everyone's going to muck your plans up anyway. If you're unsure, build a road toward the sea.

3. If you placed your first settlement well and fourth player didn't do anything super weird or out there you should be able to take, if not the space you wanted, at least something resembling that space. If you can't cover all the resources you need to consider your resource combinations. You can't use brick without wood and vice versa. Ore requires wheat. Your start game will be pretty crippled if you can't build settlements unassisted but development cards can get you there so if you can't cover brick/wood/wheat/sheep then make sure you have wheat/sheep/ore. If you can't build either of those things on your own then you'll be relying on trading which makes things difficult.

Strategically placing off grid at this point can severely lock up the board. That may be a good or bad thing.

If you can't cover even those resources consider a port for one of the resources you have plenty of!

If you can place your road toward a resource you didn't pick up, go for it. Or you know, build a road to the sea.

2 & 1 Placing your second settlement as second or first player is pretty much the same as third player only you're more restricted in your choices. Try and cover as many resources and numbers as possible or grab a port if you've got something in abundance. Again make sure you can build either settlements or development cards without having to trade with other players.

--

Placement is important and I enjoy introducing new people to the game just so that I can talk to them about where they could place and what benefits and downsides each spot or combination would have (I consider it a personal achievement if a player I coached in starting positions beats me at the game). But I've seen games where terrible starting placements won and sometimes with what I consider to be a "Perfect" starting placement I still don't do well.

Once you've placed that part is done but the game hasn't even started yet! My strategy for playing the game is very simple. It is basically: don't do anything unless it will give you at least one point.

A. Don't trade with another player unless you can do something that gives you a point. Can't build a settlement or a city on your turn with that trade? Don't do it. Just don't. Assume that whenever you trade with another player they will be able to use whatever you trade them to add a point to their score.

B. Don't use a development card unless it gives you at least one point. (Exception: soldier. Use a soldier whenever you're being robbed). Save the monopoly and the year of plenty cards until you can use them to build either a city or a GOOD settlement (one that is actually increasing your ability to bring in resources). Use a monopoly or a year of plenty AS SOON AS doing so will build you a city. If you're holding a monopoly card keep a rough track of how many resources of a certain type you're looking for are out there and use it when that will give you a city. Sure maybe it would have been "better" to save the monopoly until it gave you 10 wood... but if two wheat now will give you a city I say go for that. Sometimes you can get two points out of a monopoly if a couple of big numbers have been rolled and you have a port for that resource or something. Take that opportunity if it comes but don't hold out for it.

In general treat development cards as roughly worth one point each for both the purposes of buying them and for estimating how well other players are doing. Soldiers and road building will often be used without granting the player a point immediately but the benefits of those cards (and the ability for a well used monopoly to give someone two points if used well) mean that 1 card = 1 point is a good estimate.

HabitRPG & Ovia

I've always had a lot of trouble keeping up with routines. It's like a bounce between doing something CONSTANTLY to getting bored and stopping entirely. I can do something consistently for about two weeks... and then I miss a day or get distracted and suddenly it's four months later and I never actually finished that liptember series did I?

I'm not a big one for New Years "resolutions" but I find the end and beginning of a year is as good a time as any to think about what I want from my life and what different things I could focus on to make it more awesome.

I decided that my theme for this year would be diligence. My High School's motto (when I was there - it has changed now) was "Excellence. Initiative. Diligence" and I recognised even when I started there in year seven that diligence was a thing I lacked.

The trouble was, I didn't have enough perseverance or dedication to... acquire any.

But this year I decided that rather than trying to keep up with any one thing (and then getting either distracted or bored) I would try to practice keeping up with things. And it just happened to be the first of January when I signed up for HabitRPG.

I've tried numerous To Do list apps and I've attempted to gamify and/or track many aspects of my life before. I've used Runkeeper and Fitocracy and Duolingo and Superbetter and Epic Win and Patients Like Me and about ten different menstrual tracking apps (which all, without exception, sucked)....

And I've been consistently so terrible with keeping up with any of them that 25 days of HabitRPG feels like an amazing achievement.

I think part of it is the app itself. I've added so many todo items and habits to it that I have easily made it a habit to check in with it multiple times a day and tick things off... and so many that it does take a really really good day for me to do everything on my daily list. But rather than seeing a missed day as a failure that nukes my streak, the things I don't do as regularly change colour to encourage me to prioritise them - and missing something the app knows I'm already "good" at incurs much less of a punishment than missing something I'm already neglecting. I've also already used the "Inn" functionality (where it freezes all of your tasks and status) when I went away for a weekend recently

It feels like a really good fit for practising my diligence! I'm keeping up with SO many things this year including duolingo and medication and vitamins and meditating and housework and laundry!

And someone on the internets recommended Ovia to me as a cycle tracking app which DOESN'T ACTUALLY SUCK and I am pretty excited about that too!

Liptember Day #1

As I mentioned in my last post, this September I am participating in Liptember. Wearing Liptember lipstick every day to raise money for the Centre for Womens Mental health and Lifeline.

Lipstick: W7 Liptember "Devils Darling"

Thank you so much to: Sharmini, Simon & Jess, Christine, Ben, Cha, Jess and Lora for donating bringing me to $380 so far!

You can read about my reasons for participating in liptember, or donate to my cause on my liptember profile page.

Ten Years Ago vs Last Week. Obligatory Liptember Shout-out.

When I was nineteen I wasn't a person. 

It wasn't long - maybe thirty seconds? Less than a minute I am sure. But I can still remember the looks on their faces - one holding an arm out to hold the other back.

"Let's wait for the next one. I think she's on drugs," one said. In one of those "whispers" that isn't really a whisper. And they didn't get into the lift. It isn't them not getting into the lift that bothers me, a decade later. It's that they didn't care that they heard what I said.

It was a whisper because that's not a polite or nice thing thing to say, but it was loud because I wasn't a person enough for them to care if I heard. I think that to them I wasn't a person enough for them to think I understood.

I don't remember what I looked like that day. I assume I was crying. Was I slumped on the floor? Likely. Was I drooling? Humming? Rocking? Where is the line between unacceptable and inhumanity?

I've been thinking about it a lot this week. 

Last Sunday I wasn't sure I was on the right side of that line. Terrified of the looks they might give me I pulled my shirt over my head and gave myself a slit through the collar to see out of. 

And of course I knew - I knew - that even if I was still skirting the wrong side of unacceptable before I was probably way over it now, behaving in one of the ways that makes people feel like they don't need to watch their volume before making fun of someone in public.

So I put my fingers in my ears and hummed all the way home. And I laughed in the street like a mad person is what I want to say. But don't want to say. Because I don't want that to be true because (I'm not like those people/I'm probably just faking anyhow/I don't want you to talk about me as if I'm not hearing you. As if I don't count)

And I didn't fall down and I didn't see or hear anyone laugh at me. And for me, that day. That was a win.

This September I am taking part in Liptember raising money for Women's Mental Health Research and Lifeline. I'll be taking selfies every day (which I try to do anyway) wearing my liptember lipstick and posting them to my whatmyhairdoes tumblr.

(Lifeline 13 11 14)

The Edge of Yesterday: Warning contains feelings about 2002 which was a really SHITTY year and also you've probably already heard me cry about this story

I went to see The Edge of Tomorrow last night. It made me think about the past and alternate realities and that sort of thing. But it was mostly the blog post I read this morning that sent me into a terrible time-loop of distress and self-loathing and I don't think there's a big alien to kill that will break me out of this one.

Sometimes you just gotta say the thing and let the other person deal with the thing. Working around someone’s terrible behavior while you grow to dislike them more and more and more isn’t actually kinder.

Captain Awkward

In 2001 I was at a party. I was trying to be… fun. 

You see - I had this problem where I felt really left out of my friendship group. And there were lots of reasonable reasons for this - we were in different year levels at school and so while they were busy with their final year of VCE I was floundering in mental illness and unemployment during the year off which was supposed to refresh me after my life-meltdown of year 12 and telling my mother and my therapist about my sexual abuse.

But it made sense, you know? They’d see each other at school and organise things there and they didn’t see me regularly so, quite naturally, we were drifting apart which made me sad, but not angry, because it was just a thing.

But I thought, maybe, if I were… fun and cool enough they would remember me next time they were having a party or going to the movies or hanging out and then maybe I would get invited to things more. And I wanted to be more fun. More ZANY.

I always wanted to be zany. It was sort of a ongoing struggle for me to… try and manifest some sort of personality. Everyone else had seemed to pick one up naturally at some point, but I felt like I’d missed out on mine. Everyone else seemed to be forming opinions and interests all over the place while the most I could manage was a distain for the Backstreet Boys and an obsession with the Barenaked Ladies.

And that’s probably not the only reason I would get drunk and say and do stupid shit. Or even maybe the biggest. I was fucking miserable, after all.

But there was a dude at this party who’d been someone that none of us had even liked when I’d last had classes with him - which was, admittedly, in 1997 before I skipped up a year. It was a reminder of how disconnected I was from my friends and I recall promising myself that I would put in more effort.

But as I was drunkenly making my way either to or from the toilet this dude pulled me aside and told me I should pull myself together and shouldn’t be so drunk and stupid because it was worrying and annoying and he… he told me that this was why people didn’t invite me to things. 

That wasn’t a kind thing to say. 

I didn’t believe him. This was, you remember, someone I had never considered to be my friend. I thought, that if what he was saying were true, someone would have mentioned it. Only in less mean words. Or something.

I think about it more now, than I did then.

So I tried harder to cling to my friendships - friendships are important, you know, and we’d been pals, the girls at least, since year 7. I started uni  in 2002 and had a pretty good first 6 months, even. I was meeting people* but, you know, that’s not the same as true friendship. The people that are there for the long haul through changing year levels and exams and VCE and all that.

Haha.

And at the end of 2002 I was invited to a Christmas party. I was VERY happy about that - I’d seen my friends even less than ever and everyone was always too busy when I’d invited them to do anything. So I went, and, unshaken in my strategy to be AWESOMELY FUN and MEMORABLE so that I wouldn’t be forgotten so often in the coming year.

I peaked early, as I generally did at parties. It seems more acceptable now that I’m in my thirties but even back in my raging teens I couldn’t really keep awake much past 10pm.

There was a designated “quiet room” though and I thought it would be nice to sit in the quiet room and be quiet for a while and catch up properly with my friends. There were a few people in the room already but soon after I joined them, they trickled out.

And closed the door.

I’d brought my boyfriend-at-the-time to the party so I wasn’t alone. But I saw him plenty often and was at the party to see my friends but no matter how many times I opened the door and tried to smile invitingly at the people who walked past… they just kept closing it so eventually I gave up and went to sleep.

It was not, I am fully aware, anyone else’s responsibility to check my behaviour or correct me or otherwise coach me into being a less irritating adult than I’d, I can reasonably assume, been a teenager.

Someone I didn’t like and who’d had enough to drink to feel it was appropriate to tell other people how to behave had told me I was annoying and that people didn’t like me the year before and I’d felt like that was mean. I guess what I am saying is that I don’t think that the people at this party were being kinder.

Especially when I heard later via someone who would still talk to me that a bunch of people were really mad at me for being horribly rude and taking up the quiet room the whole night. Yeah.

The next morning someone offered me a lift home. I asked multiple times if they were sure they didn’t mind - because, not being able to drive myself, I was often aware of my inability to reciprocate in kind with lifts. She assured me that it was and I was very grateful and I thanked her again as she dropped me off.

And she looked me in the eye and she said “It was so great to see you! I hope I’ll see you again soon!” and she left without inviting me to the New Years Eve party she was hosting three days later.

I don’t think that was kinder.

And I don’t know, I guess, how hurt I would have been if at point between 1996 and 2000 or whenever it was that my problems became too difficult for anyone else to deal with (No blame here, we were all teenagers and my problems were way too difficult for ME to deal with and I had therapists and shit) I’d been told “hey we don’t actually like you or want to be friends with you”. Because I guess they’d probably told me that a million times with attempted slow fades and spurned invitations and not inviting me to things. I just didn’t hear it. Heck, a dude did tell me with words and I just didn't believe him.

Every few years this happens. Something sparks it and I think about it again and even after years of not thinking about it it still hurts so much and I wish I knew how I could make it not do that. Not hurt. Not come back into my head. At least one of those things.

I really enjoyed the movie though! Even though the ending was silly.


* am still friends with these people. <3

Strictly Ballroom: the (wish it wasn't a) musical

Yesterday my friend Miss Fairchild and I went too see Strictly Ballroom: The Musical.

The show was glaringly flawed in many ways but I'm pretty sure I've never enjoyed a live show so much in my life (disclaimer: I've never seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show so ymmv)

It was visually ... all the words I can think of to fit here seem too small. It was SO sparkly. SO colourful. Sparkly curtains, sparkly seats. The costumes were, I think, my favourite part.

The flow of the story seemed off too things seemed to happen in an order because they were following the movie, rather than creating a show that flowed smoothly.

The songs, apart from Time After Time (even Love is in the Air was disappointingly underused, only popping out for the bows, basically)... sucked. Unmemorable and/or incomprehensible there is no way I would buy or listen to the soundtrack. I kind of felt like... they should have just used pop songs instead of trying to write their own. Or just not made it a musical at all. That would have been way better.

And yet I loved it. I had so much fun! It's easy for me to sit here and think "oh it would have been so much better if..." but I wasn't involved in making it so... yeah. But even though parts of it sucked I am super glad it exists and that we saw it and I will probably be thinking about how much I enjoyed it and all the amazing costumes and sets for a really long time.

And this morning I've been looking at my list of barely started fan fiction projects in Google Docs, my Veronica Mars essay, my abandoned Read Along project here on this blog, my short lived "... and remembering that something doesn't have to be perfect to be worthwhile. It can be flawed and also enjoyable. Times approximately infinity if I am doing it for fun, on the internet, for free.

On the other hand for a long time I wasn't really starting anything and I think failing to finish things is a way better problem to have than not being able to start anything at all.

It's lucky that you can't light your house on fire because otherwise my 'lit torches and wooden buckets' collection would cause problems

I'm easily frustrated and terrible at computer games some kinds of computer games.

I mean I rock at The Sims, I reached level 245 of Candy Crush Saga and I only stopped playing Tiny Tower because I ran out of levels. But according to certain internets those don't qualify as "games" so whatever.

Anyway this one time I bought Deus Ex: Revolutions and I died like 7 times in the first 10 minutes. I had the difficulty set to "story mode".

Something about the whole first-person thing gets me confused and disoriented pretty darn quickly I think but I'm okay with that. I stop playing when I stop having fun because I kind of feel like fun should be the point.

I didn't used to be very good at being bad at things. I was good at enough stuff that I managed to basically avoid anything I wasn't immediately good at for a very long time.

My peak year of being really good at stuff was probably 1997 though. Things went a little downhill after that and then picked up steam around 2000-2001.

But I didn't really get a handle on how to deal (academically, anyway) with not actually being as good at things as I felt like I should be and throwing furniture at people out of frustration that I wasn't immediately brilliant at everything until I started exclusively studying things I was kind of shit at. Only way I finished my degree was to do something where getting 50 or 55 for a subject felt like an achievement.

Being good at being terrible at things, is something I wished I'd learned how to do much earlier as it has improved my life... well more than "immensely" or "considerably" or "phenomenally" or any of the other words I was trying to put here. I'm sometimes not very good at picking words. I'm okay with that. It's cool!

Also on the lowest difficulty in Skyrim I can be flamed by a dragon a few times while I work out how to turn around without dying. That's cool too.

Tonight I'm going to party like it's 2009

On Thursday evening I went to see The Caraways, Fox and Fowl and High Tail at Brighton Up Bar.

I hadn't been to see any music in a long time and when my friend suggested that we use our synchronous spouseless evening to go to a bar and see some live music I had a weird thought about whether it would be some kind of weird waste to spend my first live music after a long break on a bunch of bands I didn't know anything about.

It was a silly thought, easily dismissed, but the similar one I had about returning to my long-neglected blog was not so easy to dismiss.

In early 2010 my then-boyfriend joined the navy. The summer prior to that event was probably the best and most productive of my life: I was walking to and from work every day (1hr 5min each way) as well as using the gym in my work building multiple times a week and working lots of hours of overtime. It is both the period of my life that I describe when doctors ask me if I have ever had a manic episode (any doctor I have described this period of my life to in detail has concluded that I was not manic or hypomanic. Just, you know, really happy and fit and productive), and when I want to describe the mental state to which I want to return. I was running both a webcomic and a podcast.

These things had started to drop out of my life prior to the Navy thing and the depression that crept in and took over my life over the next two years had been lurking in the corners for many years: it wasn't a trigger or anything. But it certainly impacted my creative drive in a pretty big way and I found myself pretty much incapable of producing anything creative. I tried to restart my webcomic several times but just never got anywhere with it.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't think it's a coincidence that I didn't update this blog during the time that my now-husband was deployed to the middle east.

It's not like I wasn't depressed before he left and I think overall I coped pretty well with the love of my life being shipped (haha) to the other side of the world but it was just another thing that got harder. (Perhaps he is my muse?)

I dumped my psychiatrist and got a new one recently. He thinks I don't have Borderline Personality Disorder after all but he does think I have ADHD as well as depression so we're treating me for those things for now and earlier this week we completed all of the hoops and paperwork for me to get prescribed stimulants.

I started taking them on tuesday and the best thing I can say about the last three days is that my head feels like it did in 2009. I can think and I can concentrate and I get up early and I get things done and it's kind of amazing that I can have this headspace without spending 3-4 hours a day exercising. I certainly want to get back to the point where I can do regular exercise (and getting my hip operated on early next year will hopefully help me become a person who can go running regularly again) but I don't think I need to be doing 3+ hours a day.

Anyway our evening didn't go exactly as planned: the first thing that happened was that the bar didn't serve wine by the bottle so our scheme of getting there early and sharing a bottle of wine over the evening was scrapped. the second thing that happened was that the gig was $10 even though the gig guide that had directed us to the event in the first place had listed it as free. The third thing that happened was that the band I had looked up and decided that I absolutely had to see wasn't actually playing after all.

Far from being disappointed, however, the Caraways were fresh and energetic and kind of adorable babies who'd learned to shout-tunefully better than they could sing. I think they have potential.

The Fox and Fowl kind of blew me away with their first couple of songs although they dipped in the middle. They mentioned that they have an album (or an EP?) coming out next year which I am certainly looking forward to.

High Tail were a little disappointing after Fox and Fowl which made me feel bad because they weren't bad at all. But by that point it was late and I was tired and I had worked out by that point that Kite Club were not actually a part of this gig after all. Also I think they listened to a lot of Smash Mouth back in the day (but not as much as The Caraways listened to The Cure).

I'm looking forward to hearing more from Fox and Fowl, snuggling my husband, seeing more live music and, hopefully, blogging more regularly.

Read Along: Pride & Prejudice - Chapter 27

With no greater events than these in the Longbourn family, and otherwise diversified by little beyond the walks to Meryton, sometimes dirty and sometimes cold, did January and February pass away. March was to take Elizabeth to Hunsford. She had not at first thought very seriously of going thither; but Charlotte, she soon found, was depending on the plan and she gradually learned to consider it herself with greater pleasure as well as greater certainty. Absence had increased her desire of seeing Charlotte again, and weakened her disgust of Mr. Collins. There was novelty in the scheme, and as, with such a mother and such uncompanionable sisters, home could not be faultless, a little change was not unwelcome for its own sake. The journey would moreover give her a peep at Jane; and, in short, as the time drew near, she would have been very sorry for any delay. Everything, however, went on smoothly, and was finally settled according to Charlotte's first sketch. She was to accompany Sir William and his second daughter. The improvement of spending a night in London was added in time, and the plan became perfect as plan could be. 

Elizabeth has been at home for months with neither Jane nor Charlotte. She doesn't get along with her other sisters very well and we haven't heard of her having any other close friends. No wonder she's looking forward to visiting the Collinses!

The only pain was in leaving her father, who would certainly miss her, and who, when it came to the point, so little liked her going, that he told her to write to him, and almost promised to answer her letter. 

The farewell between herself and Mr. Wickham was perfectly friendly; on his side even more. His present pursuit could not make him forget that Elizabeth had been the first to excite and to deserve his attention, the first to listen and to pity, the first to be admired; and in his manner of bidding her adieu, wishing her every enjoyment, reminding her of what she was to expect in Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and trusting their opinion of her—their opinion of everybody—would always coincide, there was a solicitude, an interest which she felt must ever attach her to him with a most sincere regard; and she parted from him convinced that, whether married or single, he must always be her model of the amiable and pleasing. 

Her fellow-travellers the next day were not of a kind to make her think him less agreeable. Sir William Lucas, and his daughter Maria, a good-humoured girl, but as empty-headed as himself, had nothing to say that could be worth hearing, and were listened to with about as much delight as the rattle of the chaise. Elizabeth loved absurdities, but she had known Sir William's too long. He could tell her nothing new of the wonders of his presentation and knighthood; and his civilities were worn out, like his information. 

It was a journey of only twenty-four miles, and they began it so early as to be in Gracechurch Street by noon. As they drove to Mr. Gardiner's door, Jane was at a drawing-room window watching their arrival; when they entered the passage she was there to welcome them, and Elizabeth, looking earnestly in her face, was pleased to see it healthful and lovely as ever. On the stairs were a troop of little boys and girls, whose eagerness for their cousin's appearance would not allow them to wait in the drawing-room, and whose shyness, as they had not seen her for a twelvemonth, prevented their coming lower. All was joy and kindness. The day passed most pleasantly away; the morning in bustle and shopping, and the evening at one of the theatres. 

Elizabeth then contrived to sit by her aunt. Their first object was her sister; and she was more grieved than astonished to hear, in reply to her minute inquiries, that though Jane always struggled to support her spirits, there were periods of dejection. It was reasonable, however, to hope that they would not continue long. Mrs. Gardiner gave her the particulars also of Miss Bingley's visit in Gracechurch Street, and repeated conversations occurring at different times between Jane and herself, which proved that the former had, from her heart, given up the acquaintance. 

Mrs. Gardiner then rallied her niece on Wickham's desertion, and complimented her on bearing it so well. 

"But my dear Elizabeth," she added, "what sort of girl is Miss King? I should be sorry to think our friend mercenary." 

"Pray, my dear aunt, what is the difference in matrimonial affairs, between the mercenary and the prudent motive? Where does discretion end, and avarice begin? Last Christmas you were afraid of his marrying me, because it would be imprudent; and now, because he is trying to get a girl with only ten thousand pounds, you want to find out that he is mercenary." 

Mr Wickham has dropped Elizabeth in favour of a girl who has recently inherited a fortune. Lizzy still struggles to see him in a bad light for this: I think it's a combination of liking him a lot, but not being in love with him at all. Maybe she's trying to be more like Jane.

"If you will only tell me what sort of girl Miss King is, I shall know what to think."
"She is a very good kind of girl, I believe. I know no harm of her." 

"But he paid her not the smallest attention till her grandfather's death made her mistress of this fortune." 

"No—why should he? If it were not allowable for him to gain my affections because I had no money, what occasion could there be for making love to a girl whom he did not care about, and who was equally poor?" 

"But there seems an indelicacy in directing his attentions towards her so soon after this event." 

"A man in distressed circumstances has not time for all those elegant decorums which other people may observe. If she does not object to it, why should we?" 

Should we? Miss King must know more than anyone that Wickham didn't pay any attention to her until she became wealthy... and yet she must also be aware that she's suddenly a much more attractive bride all around: should she not take advantage of that?

"Her not objecting does not justify him. It only shows her being deficient in something herself—sense or feeling." 

"Well," cried Elizabeth, "have it as you choose. He shall be mercenary, and she shall be foolish." 

"No, Lizzy, that is what I do not choose. I should be sorry, you know, to think ill of a young man who has lived so long in Derbyshire." 

"Oh! if that is all, I have a very poor opinion of young men who live in Derbyshire; and their intimate friends who live in Hertfordshire are not much better. I am sick of them all. Thank Heaven! I am going to-morrow where I shall find a man who has not one agreeable quality, who has neither manner nor sense to recommend him. Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing, after all." 

"Take care, Lizzy; that speech savours strongly of disappointment." 

Before they were separated by the conclusion of the play, she had the unexpected happiness of an invitation to accompany her uncle and aunt in a tour of pleasure which they proposed taking in the summer. 

"We have not determined how far it shall carry us," said Mrs. Gardiner, "but, perhaps, to the Lakes." 

No scheme could have been more agreeable to Elizabeth, and her acceptance of the invitation was most ready and grateful. "Oh, my dear, dear aunt," she rapturously cried, "what delight! what felicity! You give me fresh life and vigour. Adieu to disappointment and spleen. What are young men to rocks and mountains? Oh! what hours of transport we shall spend! And when we do return, it shall not be like other travellers, without being able to give one accurate idea of anything. We will know where we have gone—we will recollect what we have seen. Lakes, mountains, and rivers shall not be jumbled together in our imaginations; nor when we attempt to describe any particular scene, will we begin quarreling about its relative situation. Let our first effusions be less insupportable than those of the generality of travellers."

And that's it for this week - next week we get to play with Mr Collins again! Hooray!

Review: Nerd All Star Comedy Gala @ Sydney Comedy Festival

On Tuesday night I attended the Nerd All Star Comedy Gala in Marrickville. Four academics and three comedian's took to the stage and entertained us for the evening.

They alternated between comedian and academic which made for frequent refreshing changes of pace. I think I enjoyed the academics more than the comedians (there was slightly too much anti-hipsterism and haha-men-and-women-are-different-isn't-that-hilarious (nope) for my taste. But much less of that than I expected, which was nice.)

One of my favourite talks was from Nalini Joshi (Mathematician), we watched a short documentary all about how how she got into maths and then she solved the Tower of Hanoi puzzle for us. I failed second year maths at uni and I felt like I only just followed her equations on the board. But I did and it all made sense and was interesting! Hurrah.

But I think my actual favourite was Tom Denson talking about aggressive tendencies and self-control. It turns out that you can make people nicer by getting them to use their non-dominant hand for stuff. It turns out that by increasing people's self-control they become less aggressive. I found that pretty interesting, anyway.

Anyway the other talks were good but I'm embarassed by the fact that I don't remember which white male comedian was which so I am not going to tell you about all of them.

For less than $30 I thought it was a pretty good value evening and I recommend it if it shows up elsewhere or becomes an annual event at the Sydney Comedy Festival.

Read Along: Pride & Prejudice - Chapter 26

Mrs. Gardiner's caution to Elizabeth was punctually and kindly given on the first favourable opportunity of speaking to her alone; after honestly telling her what she thought, she thus went on: 

"You are too sensible a girl, Lizzy, to fall in love merely because you are warned against it; and, therefore, I am not afraid of speaking openly. Seriously, I would have you be on your guard. Do not involve yourself or endeavour to involve him in an affection which the want of fortune would make so very imprudent. I have nothing to say against him; he is a most interesting young man; and if he had the fortune he ought to have, I should think you could not do better. But as it is, you must not let your fancy run away with you. You have sense, and we all expect you to use it. Your father would depend on your resolution and good conduct, I am sure. You must not disappoint your father." 

Mrs Gardiner is warning Elizabeth not to become involved with Mr Wickham because he doesn't have enough money.

"My dear aunt, this is being serious indeed." 

"Yes, and I hope to engage you to be serious likewise." 

"Well, then, you need not be under any alarm. I will take care of myself, and of Mr. Wickham too. He shall not be in love with me, if I can prevent it." 

"Elizabeth, you are not serious now." 

"I beg your pardon, I will try again. At present I am not in love with Mr. Wickham; no, I certainly am not. But he is, beyond all comparison, the most agreeable man I ever saw—and if he becomes really attached to me—I believe it will be better that he should not. I see the imprudence of it. Oh! that abominable Mr. Darcy! My father's opinion of me does me the greatest honour, and I should be miserable to forfeit it. My father, however, is partial to Mr. Wickham. In short, my dear aunt, I should be very sorry to be the means of making any of you unhappy; but since we see every day that where there is affection, young people are seldom withheld by immediate want of fortune from entering into engagements with each other, how can I promise to be wiser than so many of my fellow-creatures if I am tempted, or how am I even to know that it would be wisdom to resist? All that I can promise you, therefore, is not to be in a hurry. I will not be in a hurry to believe myself his first object. When I am in company with him, I will not be wishing. In short, I will do my best." 

"Perhaps it will be as well if you discourage his coming here so very often. At least, you should not remind your mother of inviting him." 

"As I did the other day," said Elizabeth with a conscious smile: "very true, it will be wise in me to refrain from that. But do not imagine that he is always here so often. It is on your account that he has been so frequently invited this week. You know my mother's ideas as to the necessity of constant company for her friends. But really, and upon my honour, I will try to do what I think to be the wisest; and now I hope you are satisfied." 

Her aunt assured her that she was, and Elizabeth having thanked her for the kindness of her hints, they parted; a wonderful instance of advice being given on such a point, without being resented. 

Mr. Collins returned into Hertfordshire soon after it had been quitted by the Gardiners and Jane; but as he took up his abode with the Lucases, his arrival was no great inconvenience to Mrs. Bennet. His marriage was now fast approaching, and she was at length so far resigned as to think it inevitable, and even repeatedly to say, in an ill-natured tone, that she "wished they might be happy." Thursday was to be the wedding day, and on Wednesday Miss Lucas paid her farewell visit; and when she rose to take leave, Elizabeth, ashamed of her mother's ungracious and reluctant good wishes, and sincerely affected herself, accompanied her out of the room. As they went downstairs together, Charlotte said: 

"I shall depend on hearing from you very often, Eliza." 

"That you certainly shall." 

"And I have another favour to ask you. Will you come and see me?" 

"We shall often meet, I hope, in Hertfordshire." 

"I am not likely to leave Kent for some time. Promise me, therefore, to come to Hunsford." 

Elizabeth could not refuse, though she foresaw little pleasure in the visit. 

"My father and Maria are coming to me in March," added Charlotte, "and I hope you will consent to be of the party. Indeed, Eliza, you will be as welcome as either of them." 

The wedding took place; the bride and bridegroom set off for Kent from the church door, and everybody had as much to say, or to hear, on the subject as usual. Elizabeth soon heard from her friend; and their correspondence was as regular and frequent as it had ever been; that it should be equally unreserved was impossible. Elizabeth could never address her without feeling that all the comfort of intimacy was over, and though determined not to slacken as a correspondent, it was for the sake of what had been, rather than what was. Charlotte's first letters were received with a good deal of eagerness; there could not but be curiosity to know how she would speak of her new home, how she would like Lady Catherine, and how happy she would dare pronounce herself to be; though, when the letters were read, Elizabeth felt that Charlotte expressed herself on every point exactly as she might have foreseen. She wrote cheerfully, seemed surrounded with comforts, and mentioned nothing which she could not praise. The house, furniture, neighbourhood, and roads, were all to her taste, and Lady Catherine's behaviour was most friendly and obliging. It was Mr. Collins's picture of Hunsford and Rosings rationally softened; and Elizabeth perceived that she must wait for her own visit there to know the rest. 

I find it pretty sad that Elizabeth feels like she can't be as close to Charlotte now that she's married.

Jane had already written a few lines to her sister to announce their safe arrival in London; and when she wrote again, Elizabeth hoped it would be in her power to say something of the Bingleys. 

Her impatience for this second letter was as well rewarded as impatience generally is. Jane had been a week in town without either seeing or hearing from Caroline. She accounted for it, however, by supposing that her last letter to her friend from Longbourn had by some accident been lost. 

Ha.

"My aunt," she continued, "is going to-morrow into that part of the town, and I shall take the opportunity of calling in Grosvenor Street." 

She wrote again when the visit was paid, and she had seen Miss Bingley. "I did not think Caroline in spirits," were her words, "but she was very glad to see me, and reproached me for giving her no notice of my coming to London. I was right, therefore, my last letter had never reached her. I inquired after their brother, of course. He was well, but so much engaged with Mr. Darcy that they scarcely ever saw him. I found that Miss Darcy was expected to dinner. I wish I could see her. My visit was not long, as Caroline and Mrs. Hurst were going out. I dare say I shall see them soon here." 

Elizabeth shook her head over this letter. It convinced her that accident only could discover to Mr. Bingley her sister's being in town. 

Four weeks passed away, and Jane saw nothing of him. She endeavoured to persuade herself that she did not regret it; but she could no longer be blind to Miss Bingley's inattention. After waiting at home every morning for a fortnight, and inventing every evening a fresh excuse for her, the visitor did at last appear; but the shortness of her stay, and yet more, the alteration of her manner would allow Jane to deceive herself no longer. The letter which she wrote on this occasion to her sister will prove what she felt. 

"My dearest Lizzy will, I am sure, be incapable of triumphing in her better judgement, at my expense, when I confess myself to have been entirely deceived in Miss Bingley's regard for me. But, my dear sister, though the event has proved you right, do not think me obstinate if I still assert that, considering what her behaviour was, my confidence was as natural as your suspicion. I do not at all comprehend her reason for wishing to be intimate with me; but if the same circumstances were to happen again, I am sure I should be deceived again. Caroline did not return my visit till yesterday; and not a note, not a line, did I receive in the meantime. When she did come, it was very evident that she had no pleasure in it; she made a slight, formal apology, for not calling before, said not a word of wishing to see me again, and was in every respect so altered a creature, that when she went away I was perfectly resolved to continue the acquaintance no longer. I pity, though I cannot help blaming her. She was very wrong in singling me out as she did; I can safely say that every advance to intimacy began on her side. But I pity her, because she must feel that she has been acting wrong, and because I am very sure that anxiety for her brother is the cause of it. I need not explain myself farther; and though we know this anxiety to be quite needless, yet if she feels it, it will easily account for her behaviour to me; and so deservedly dear as he is to his sister, whatever anxiety she must feel on his behalf is natural and amiable. I cannot but wonder, however, at her having any such fears now, because, if he had at all cared about me, we must have met, long ago. He knows of my being in town, I am certain, from something she said herself; and yet it would seem, by her manner of talking, as if she wanted to persuade herself that he is really partial to Miss Darcy. I cannot understand it. If I were not afraid of judging harshly, I should be almost tempted to say that there is a strong appearance of duplicity in all this. But I will endeavour to banish every painful thought, and think only of what will make me happy—your affection, and the invariable kindness of my dear uncle and aunt. Let me hear from you very soon. Miss Bingley said something of his never returning to Netherfield again, of giving up the house, but not with any certainty. We had better not mention it. I am extremely glad that you have such pleasant accounts from our friends at Hunsford. Pray go to see them, with Sir William and Maria. I am sure you will be very comfortable there.—Yours, etc." 

Jane, who by all accounts is super sweet and forgiving, has decided not to be friends with Caroline Bingley. We have seen before and after this that Jane will excuse all sorts of behaviour and even in this chapter she's assumed that Caroline didn't receive her letter rather than was just ignoring her. So for Jane to decide that she doesn't want to continue the acquaintance ..? I think she's way more hurt and offended than she lets on in the letter. Poor Jane.

This letter gave Elizabeth some pain; but her spirits returned as she considered that Jane would no longer be duped, by the sister at least. All expectation from the brother was now absolutely over. She would not even wish for a renewal of his attentions. His character sunk on every review of it; and as a punishment for him, as well as a possible advantage to Jane, she seriously hoped he might really soon marry Mr. Darcy's sister, as by Wickham's account, she would make him abundantly regret what he had thrown away. 

Mrs. Gardiner about this time reminded Elizabeth of her promise concerning that gentleman, and required information; and Elizabeth had such to send as might rather give contentment to her aunt than to herself. His apparent partiality had subsided, his attentions were over, he was the admirer of some one else. Elizabeth was watchful enough to see it all, but she could see it and write of it without material pain. Her heart had been but slightly touched, and her vanity was satisfied with believing that she would have been his only choice, had fortune permitted it. The sudden acquisition of ten thousand pounds was the most remarkable charm of the young lady to whom he was now rendering himself agreeable; but Elizabeth, less clear-sighted perhaps in this case than in Charlotte's, did not quarrel with him for his wish of independence. Nothing, on the contrary, could be more natural; and while able to suppose that it cost him a few struggles to relinquish her, she was ready to allow it a wise and desirable measure for both, and could very sincerely wish him happy. 

Miss King has suddenly become rich and Mr Wickham has stopped flirting with Elizabeth and started chasing after her instead.

All this was acknowledged to Mrs. Gardiner; and after relating the circumstances, she thus went on: "I am now convinced, my dear aunt, that I have never been much in love; for had I really experienced that pure and elevating passion, I should at present detest his very name, and wish him all manner of evil. But my feelings are not only cordial towards him; they are even impartial towards Miss King. I cannot find out that I hate her at all, or that I am in the least unwilling to think her a very good sort of girl. There can be no love in all this. My watchfulness has been effectual; and though I certainly should be a more interesting object to all my acquaintances were I distractedly in love with him, I cannot say that I regret my comparative insignificance. Importance may sometimes be purchased too dearly. Kitty and Lydia take his defection much more to heart than I do. They are young in the ways of the world, and not yet open to the mortifying conviction that handsome young men must have something to live on as well as the plain."

Elizabeth has been dropped in favour of a Miss King and based on the fact that she doesn't hate either of them, Elizabeth concludes that she isn't in love with Mr Wickham.

BUT Mr Bingley has dropped Jane in favour of Miss Darcy - and Jane doesn't have any ill feelings toward either of them either. Should we conclude that Jane was never serious in her feelings about Mr Bingley? I really don't think so.

So sorry about the delay in updates. My excuse is that my husband has been deployed to the middle east and I was too busy hanging out with him and then being sad that he had left to update. Hope to get back in to the swing of life (and blogging) again now.

Read Along: Pride & Prejudice - Chapter 25

After a week spent in professions of love and schemes of felicity, Mr. Collins was called from his amiable Charlotte by the arrival of Saturday. The pain of separation, however, might be alleviated on his side, by preparations for the reception of his bride; as he had reason to hope, that shortly after his return into Hertfordshire, the day would be fixed that was to make him the happiest of men. He took leave of his relations at Longbourn with as much solemnity as before; wished his fair cousins health and happiness again, and promised their father another letter of thanks. 

On the following Monday, Mrs. Bennet had the pleasure of receiving her brother and his wife, who came as usual to spend the Christmas at Longbourn. Mr. Gardiner was a sensible, gentlemanlike man, greatly superior to his sister, as well by nature as education. The Netherfield ladies would have had difficulty in believing that a man who lived by trade, and within view of his own warehouses, could have been so well-bred and agreeable. Mrs. Gardiner, who was several years younger than Mrs. Bennet and Mrs. Phillips, was an amiable, intelligent, elegant woman, and a great favourite with all her Longbourn nieces. Between the two eldest and herself especially, there subsisted a particular regard. They had frequently been staying with her in town. 

The first part of Mrs. Gardiner's business on her arrival was to distribute her presents and describe the newest fashions. When this was done she had a less active part to play. It became her turn to listen. Mrs. Bennet had many grievances to relate, and much to complain of. They had all been very ill-used since she last saw her sister. Two of her girls had been upon the point of marriage, and after all there was nothing in it. 

"I do not blame Jane," she continued, "for Jane would have got Mr. Bingley if she could. But Lizzy! Oh, sister! It is very hard to think that she might have been Mr. Collins's wife by this time, had it not been for her own perverseness. He made her an offer in this very room, and she refused him. The consequence of it is, that Lady Lucas will have a daughter married before I have, and that the Longbourn estate is just as much entailed as ever. The Lucases are very artful people indeed, sister. They are all for what they can get. I am sorry to say it of them, but so it is. It makes me very nervous and poorly, to be thwarted so in my own family, and to have neighbours who think of themselves before anybody else. However, your coming just at this time is the greatest of comforts, and I am very glad to hear what you tell us, of long sleeves." 

Mrs. Gardiner, to whom the chief of this news had been given before, in the course of Jane and Elizabeth's correspondence with her, made her sister a slight answer, and, in compassion to her nieces, turned the conversation. 

When alone with Elizabeth afterwards, she spoke more on the subject. "It seems likely to have been a desirable match for Jane," said she. "I am sorry it went off. But these things happen so often! A young man, such as you describe Mr. Bingley, so easily falls in love with a pretty girl for a few weeks, and when accident separates them, so easily forgets her, that these sort of inconsistencies are very frequent." 

"An excellent consolation in its way," said Elizabeth, "but it will not do for us. We do not suffer by accident. It does not often happen that the interference of friends will persuade a young man of independent fortune to think no more of a girl whom he was violently in love with only a few days before." 

"But that expression of 'violently in love' is so hackneyed, so doubtful, so indefinite, that it gives me very little idea. It is as often applied to feelings which arise from a half-hour's acquaintance, as to a real, strong attachment. Pray, how violent was Mr. Bingley's love?" 

"I never saw a more promising inclination; he was growing quite inattentive to other people, and wholly engrossed by her. Every time they met, it was more decided and remarkable. At his own ball he offended two or three young ladies, by not asking them to dance; and I spoke to him twice myself, without receiving an answer. Could there be finer symptoms? Is not general incivility the very essence of love?" 

"Oh, yes!—of that kind of love which I suppose him to have felt. Poor Jane! I am sorry for her, because, with her disposition, she may not get over it immediately. It had better have happened to you, Lizzy; you would have laughed yourself out of it sooner. But do you think she would be prevailed upon to go back with us? Change of scene might be of service—and perhaps a little relief from home may be as useful as anything." 

Elizabeth was exceedingly pleased with this proposal, and felt persuaded of her sister's ready acquiescence. 

"I hope," added Mrs. Gardiner, "that no consideration with regard to this young man will influence her. We live in so different a part of town, all our connections are so different, and, as you well know, we go out so little, that it is very improbable that they should meet at all, unless he really comes to see her." 

"And that is quite impossible; for he is now in the custody of his friend, and Mr. Darcy would no more suffer him to call on Jane in such a part of London! My dear aunt, how could you think of it? Mr. Darcy may perhaps have heard of such a place as Gracechurch Street, but he would hardly think a month's ablution enough to cleanse him from its impurities, were he once to enter it; and depend upon it, Mr. Bingley never stirs without him." 

"So much the better. I hope they will not meet at all. But does not Jane correspond with his sister? She will not be able to help calling." 

"She will drop the acquaintance entirely." 

But in spite of the certainty in which Elizabeth affected to place this point, as well as the still more interesting one of Bingley's being withheld from seeing Jane, she felt a solicitude on the subject which convinced her, on examination, that she did not consider it entirely hopeless. It was possible, and sometimes she thought it probable, that his affection might be reanimated, and the influence of his friends successfully combated by the more natural influence of Jane's attractions. 

Miss Bennet accepted her aunt's invitation with pleasure; and the Bingleys were no otherwise in her thoughts at the same time, than as she hoped by Caroline's not living in the same house with her brother, she might occasionally spend a morning with her, without any danger of seeing him. 

The Gardiners stayed a week at Longbourn; and what with the Phillipses, the Lucases, and the officers, there was not a day without its engagement. Mrs. Bennet had so carefully provided for the entertainment of her brother and sister, that they did not once sit down to a family dinner. When the engagement was for home, some of the officers always made part of it—of which officers Mr. Wickham was sure to be one; and on these occasions, Mrs. Gardiner, rendered suspicious by Elizabeth's warm commendation, narrowly observed them both. Without supposing them, from what she saw, to be very seriously in love, their preference of each other was plain enough to make her a little uneasy; and she resolved to speak to Elizabeth on the subject before she left Hertfordshire, and represent to her the imprudence of encouraging such an attachment. 

To Mrs. Gardiner, Wickham had one means of affording pleasure, unconnected with his general powers. About ten or a dozen years ago, before her marriage, she had spent a considerable time in that very part of Derbyshire to which he belonged. They had, therefore, many acquaintances in common; and though Wickham had been little there since the death of Darcy's father, it was yet in his power to give her fresher intelligence of her former friends than she had been in the way of procuring. 

Mrs. Gardiner had seen Pemberley, and known the late Mr. Darcy by character perfectly well. Here consequently was an inexhaustible subject of discourse. In comparing her recollection of Pemberley with the minute description which Wickham could give, and in bestowing her tribute of praise on the character of its late possessor, she was delighting both him and herself. On being made acquainted with the present Mr. Darcy's treatment of him, she tried to remember some of that gentleman's reputed disposition when quite a lad which might agree with it, and was confident at last that she recollected having heard Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy formerly spoken of as a very proud, ill-natured boy.

Confirmation Bias!

I've not a lot to say about this chapter. Mr Collins has left again, Mr and Mrs Gardiner arrive.  Elizabeth hopes (but says otherwise) that Jane going to London may reunite the couple, Jane just wants to avoid the whole thing but stay friends with Caroline.

Read Along: Pride & Prejudice - Chapter 24

Miss Bingley's letter arrived, and put an end to doubt. The very first sentence conveyed the assurance of their being all settled in London for the winter, and concluded with her brother's regret at not having had time to pay his respects to his friends in Hertfordshire before he left the country. 

Hope was over, entirely over; and when Jane could attend to the rest of the letter, she found little, except the professed affection of the writer, that could give her any comfort. Miss Darcy's praise occupied the chief of it. Her many attractions were again dwelt on, and Caroline boasted joyfully of their increasing intimacy, and ventured to predict the accomplishment of the wishes which had been unfolded in her former letter. She wrote also with great pleasure of her brother's being an inmate of Mr. Darcy's house, and mentioned with raptures some plans of the latter with regard to new furniture. 

Elizabeth, to whom Jane very soon communicated the chief of all this, heard it in silent indignation. Her heart was divided between concern for her sister, and resentment against all others. To Caroline's assertion of her brother's being partial to Miss Darcy she paid no credit. That he was really fond of Jane, she doubted no more than she had ever done; and much as she had always been disposed to like him, she could not think without anger, hardly without contempt, on that easiness of temper, that want of proper resolution, which now made him the slave of his designing friends, and led him to sacrifice of his own happiness to the caprice of their inclination. Had his own happiness, however, been the only sacrifice, he might have been allowed to sport with it in whatever manner he thought best, but her sister's was involved in it, as she thought he must be sensible himself. It was a subject, in short, on which reflection would be long indulged, and must be unavailing. She could think of nothing else; and yet whether Bingley's regard had really died away, or were suppressed by his friends' interference; whether he had been aware of Jane's attachment, or whether it had escaped his observation; whatever were the case, though her opinion of him must be materially affected by the difference, her sister's situation remained the same, her peace equally wounded. 

Oh Lizzy, this is one of those things you can't solve just by thinking about it. I have trouble with those too. But I like her conclusion here and intend to try and remember this myself when I am cross. Does Mr Bingley love Jane? Does Mr Bingley know that Jane loves him? Did his sisters and his friend persuade him to stay away? Mr Bingley is not equally flawed in all cases - but there is no way for Jane or Lizzy to know and either way, Jane is still sad.

A day or two passed before Jane had courage to speak of her feelings to Elizabeth; but at last, on Mrs. Bennet's leaving them together, after a longer irritation than usual about Netherfield and its master, she could not help saying: 

"Oh, that my dear mother had more command over herself! She can have no idea of the pain she gives me by her continual reflections on him. But I will not repine. It cannot last long. He will be forgot, and we shall all be as we were before." 

Elizabeth looked at her sister with incredulous solicitude, but said nothing. 

"You doubt me," cried Jane, slightly colouring; "indeed, you have no reason. He may live in my memory as the most amiable man of my acquaintance, but that is all. I have nothing either to hope or fear, and nothing to reproach him with. Thank God! I have not that pain. A little time, therefore—I shall certainly try to get the better." 

With a stronger voice she soon added, "I have this comfort immediately, that it has not been more than an error of fancy on my side, and that it has done no harm to anyone but myself." 

For Jane it does make a difference how she frames Mr Bingley's behaviour and she is doing so in the way that causes her the least pain - assuming that he just never liked her all that much in the first place. :(

"My dear Jane!" exclaimed Elizabeth, "you are too good. Your sweetness and disinterestedness are really angelic; I do not know what to say to you. I feel as if I had never done you justice, or loved you as you deserve." 

Jane loves everybody and tries to think well of everyone. Does this make her more lovable than Lizzy who has strong opinions about people and is frequently wrong about them? I want to love them both, but that might be because I am secretly Jane.

Miss Bennet eagerly disclaimed all extraordinary merit, and threw back the praise on her sister's warm affection. 

"Nay," said Elizabeth, "this is not fair. You wish to think all the world respectable, and are hurt if I speak ill of anybody. I only want to think you perfect, and you set yourself against it. Do not be afraid of my running into any excess, of my encroaching on your privilege of universal good-will. You need not. There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or sense. I have met with two instances lately, one I will not mention; the other is Charlotte's marriage. It is unaccountable! In every view it is unaccountable!" 

"My dear Lizzy, do not give way to such feelings as these. They will ruin your happiness. You do not make allowance enough for difference of situation and temper. Consider Mr. Collins's respectability, and Charlotte's steady, prudent character. Remember that she is one of a large family; that as to fortune, it is a most eligible match; and be ready to believe, for everybody's sake, that she may feel something like regard and esteem for our cousin." 

"To oblige you, I would try to believe almost anything, but no one else could be benefited by such a belief as this; for were I persuaded that Charlotte had any regard for him, I should only think worse of her understanding than I now do of her heart. My dear Jane, Mr. Collins is a conceited, pompous, narrow-minded, silly man; you know he is, as well as I do; and you must feel, as well as I do, that the woman who married him cannot have a proper way of thinking. You shall not defend her, though it is Charlotte Lucas. You shall not, for the sake of one individual, change the meaning of principle and integrity, nor endeavour to persuade yourself or me, that selfishness is prudence, and insensibility of danger security for happiness." 

"I must think your language too strong in speaking of both," replied Jane; "and I hope you will be convinced of it by seeing them happy together. But enough of this. You alluded to something else. You mentioned two instances. I cannot misunderstand you, but I entreat you, dear Lizzy, not to pain me by thinking that person to blame, and saying your opinion of him is sunk. We must not be so ready to fancy ourselves intentionally injured. We must not expect a lively young man to be always so guarded and circumspect. It is very often nothing but our own vanity that deceives us. Women fancy admiration means more than it does." 

"And men take care that they should." 

"If it is designedly done, they cannot be justified; but I have no idea of there being so much design in the world as some persons imagine." 

"I am far from attributing any part of Mr. Bingley's conduct to design," said Elizabeth; "but without scheming to do wrong, or to make others unhappy, there may be error, and there may be misery. Thoughtlessness, want of attention to other people's feelings, and want of resolution, will do the business." 

"And do you impute it to either of those?" 

"Yes; to the last. But if I go on, I shall displease you by saying what I think of persons you esteem. Stop me whilst you can." 

"You persist, then, in supposing his sisters influence him?" 

"Yes, in conjunction with his friend." 

"I cannot believe it. Why should they try to influence him? They can only wish his happiness; and if he is attached to me, no other woman can secure it." 

"Your first position is false. They may wish many things besides his happiness; they may wish his increase of wealth and consequence; they may wish him to marry a girl who has all the importance of money, great connections, and pride." 

"Beyond a doubt, they do wish him to choose Miss Darcy," replied Jane; "but this may be from better feelings than you are supposing. They have known her much longer than they have known me; no wonder if they love her better. But, whatever may be their own wishes, it is very unlikely they should have opposed their brother's. What sister would think herself at liberty to do it, unless there were something very objectionable? If they believed him attached to me, they would not try to part us; if he were so, they could not succeed. By supposing such an affection, you make everybody acting unnaturally and wrong, and me most unhappy. Do not distress me by the idea. I am not ashamed of having been mistaken—or, at least, it is light, it is nothing in comparison of what I should feel in thinking ill of him or his sisters. Let me take it in the best light, in the light in which it may be understood." 

Elizabeth could not oppose such a wish; and from this time Mr. Bingley's name was scarcely ever mentioned between them. 

Mrs. Bennet still continued to wonder and repine at his returning no more, and though a day seldom passed in which Elizabeth did not account for it clearly, there was little chance of her ever considering it with less perplexity. Her daughter endeavoured to convince her of what she did not believe herself, that his attentions to Jane had been merely the effect of a common and transient liking, which ceased when he saw her no more; but though the probability of the statement was admitted at the time, she had the same story to repeat every day. Mrs. Bennet's best comfort was that Mr. Bingley must be down again in the summer. 

Mr. Bennet treated the matter differently. "So, Lizzy," said he one day, "your sister is crossed in love, I find. I congratulate her. Next to being married, a girl likes to be crossed a little in love now and then. It is something to think of, and it gives her a sort of distinction among her companions. When is your turn to come? You will hardly bear to be long outdone by Jane. Now is your time. Here are officers enough in Meryton to disappoint all the young ladies in the country. Let Wickham be your man. He is a pleasant fellow, and would jilt you creditably." 

"Thank you, sir, but a less agreeable man would satisfy me. We must not all expect Jane's good fortune." 

"True," said Mr. Bennet, "but it is a comfort to think that whatever of that kind may befall you, you have an affectionate mother who will make the most of it." 

Mr. Wickham's society was of material service in dispelling the gloom which the late perverse occurrences had thrown on many of the Longbourn family. They saw him often, and to his other recommendations was now added that of general unreserve. The whole of what Elizabeth had already heard, his claims on Mr. Darcy, and all that he had suffered from him, was now openly acknowledged and publicly canvassed; and everybody was pleased to know how much they had always disliked Mr. Darcy before they had known anything of the matter. 

Miss Bennet was the only creature who could suppose there might be any extenuating circumstances in the case, unknown to the society of Hertfordshire; her mild and steady candour always pleaded for allowances, and urged the possibility of mistakes—but by everybody else Mr. Darcy was condemned as the worst of men.

Mr Wickham has now gone public with his story about Mr Darcy. Jane is unwilling to believe that he is so very bad but she's the only one.

Read Along: Pride & Prejudice - Chapter 23

Elizabeth was sitting with her mother and sisters, reflecting on what she had heard, and doubting whether she was authorised to mention it, when Sir William Lucas himself appeared, sent by his daughter, to announce her engagement to the family. With many compliments to them, and much self-gratulation on the prospect of a connection between the houses, he unfolded the matter—to an audience not merely wondering, but incredulous; for Mrs. Bennet, with more perseverance than politeness, protested he must be entirely mistaken; and Lydia, always unguarded and often uncivil, boisterously exclaimed: 

"Good Lord! Sir William, how can you tell such a story? Do not you know that Mr. Collins wants to marry Lizzy?" 

These days it seems completely absurd that someone would propose to two different women in less than a week - from Lydia's reaction here it was pretty weird for them too. Maybe slightly less weird than now? But still weird.

Nothing less than the complaisance of a courtier could have borne without anger such treatment; but Sir William's good breeding carried him through it all; and though he begged leave to be positive as to the truth of his information, he listened to all their impertinence with the most forbearing courtesy. 

Elizabeth, feeling it incumbent on her to relieve him from so unpleasant a situation, now put herself forward to confirm his account, by mentioning her prior knowledge of it from Charlotte herself; and endeavoured to put a stop to the exclamations of her mother and sisters by the earnestness of her congratulations to Sir William, in which she was readily joined by Jane, and by making a variety of remarks on the happiness that might be expected from the match, the excellent character of Mr. Collins, and the convenient distance of Hunsford from London. 

Mrs. Bennet was in fact too much overpowered to say a great deal while Sir William remained; but no sooner had he left them than her feelings found a rapid vent. In the first place, she persisted in disbelieving the whole of the matter; secondly, she was very sure that Mr. Collins had been taken in; thirdly, she trusted that they would never be happy together; and fourthly, that the match might be broken off. Two inferences, however, were plainly deduced from the whole: one, that Elizabeth was the real cause of the mischief; and the other that she herself had been barbarously misused by them all; and on these two points she principally dwelt during the rest of the day. Nothing could console and nothing could appease her. Nor did that day wear out her resentment. A week elapsed before she could see Elizabeth without scolding her, a month passed away before she could speak to Sir William or Lady Lucas without being rude, and many months were gone before she could at all forgive their daughter. 

Mr. Bennet's emotions were much more tranquil on the occasion, and such as he did experience he pronounced to be of a most agreeable sort; for it gratified him, he said, to discover that Charlotte Lucas, whom he had been used to think tolerably sensible, was as foolish as his wife, and more foolish than his daughter! 

I think it's interesting that Mr Bennet considers Charlotte's actions to be foolish. I suppose it does indicate that he considers happiness in marriage to be fairly important for his children. He'd rather see them refuse to marry a rich (or will-be-rich-in-the-future) stupid man than marry him for his money, anyway.

I wonder if Mr Bennet considers his own marriage to have been a foolish choice?

Jane confessed herself a little surprised at the match; but she said less of her astonishment than of her earnest desire for their happiness; nor could Elizabeth persuade her to consider it as improbable. Kitty and Lydia were far from envying Miss Lucas, for Mr. Collins was only a clergyman; and it affected them in no other way than as a piece of news to spread at Meryton. 

Lady Lucas could not be insensible of triumph on being able to retort on Mrs. Bennet the comfort of having a daughter well married; and she called at Longbourn rather oftener than usual to say how happy she was, though Mrs. Bennet's sour looks and ill-natured remarks might have been enough to drive happiness away. 

Between Elizabeth and Charlotte there was a restraint which kept them mutually silent on the subject; and Elizabeth felt persuaded that no real confidence could ever subsist between them again. Her disappointment in Charlotte made her turn with fonder regard to her sister, of whose rectitude and delicacy she was sure her opinion could never be shaken, and for whose happiness she grew daily more anxious, as Bingley had now been gone a week and nothing more was heard of his return. 

Jane had sent Caroline an early answer to her letter, and was counting the days till she might reasonably hope to hear again. The promised letter of thanks from Mr. Collins arrived on Tuesday, addressed to their father, and written with all the solemnity of gratitude which a twelvemonth's abode in the family might have prompted. After discharging his conscience on that head, he proceeded to inform them, with many rapturous expressions, of his happiness in having obtained the affection of their amiable neighbour, Miss Lucas, and then explained that it was merely with the view of enjoying her society that he had been so ready to close with their kind wish of seeing him again at Longbourn, whither he hoped to be able to return on Monday fortnight; for Lady Catherine, he added, so heartily approved his marriage, that she wished it to take place as soon as possible, which he trusted would be an unanswerable argument with his amiable Charlotte to name an early day for making him the happiest of men. 

Mr. Collins's return into Hertfordshire was no longer a matter of pleasure to Mrs. Bennet. On the contrary, she was as much disposed to complain of it as her husband. It was very strange that he should come to Longbourn instead of to Lucas Lodge; it was also very inconvenient and exceedingly troublesome. She hated having visitors in the house while her health was so indifferent, and lovers were of all people the most disagreeable. Such were the gentle murmurs of Mrs. Bennet, and they gave way only to the greater distress of Mr. Bingley's continued absence. 

Neither Jane nor Elizabeth were comfortable on this subject. Day after day passed away without bringing any other tidings of him than the report which shortly prevailed in Meryton of his coming no more to Netherfield the whole winter; a report which highly incensed Mrs. Bennet, and which she never failed to contradict as a most scandalous falsehood. 

Even Elizabeth began to fear—not that Bingley was indifferent—but that his sisters would be successful in keeping him away. Unwilling as she was to admit an idea so destructive of Jane's happiness, and so dishonorable to the stability of her lover, she could not prevent its frequently occurring. The united efforts of his two unfeeling sisters and of his overpowering friend, assisted by the attractions of Miss Darcy and the amusements of London might be too much, she feared, for the strength of his attachment. 

As for Jane, her anxiety under this suspense was, of course, more painful than Elizabeth's, but whatever she felt she was desirous of concealing, and between herself and Elizabeth, therefore, the subject was never alluded to. But as no such delicacy restrained her mother, an hour seldom passed in which she did not talk of Bingley, express her impatience for his arrival, or even require Jane to confess that if he did not come back she would think herself very ill used. It needed all Jane's steady mildness to bear these attacks with tolerable tranquillity. 

Mr. Collins returned most punctually on Monday fortnight, but his reception at Longbourn was not quite so gracious as it had been on his first introduction. He was too happy, however, to need much attention; and luckily for the others, the business of love-making relieved them from a great deal of his company. The chief of every day was spent by him at Lucas Lodge, and he sometimes returned to Longbourn only in time to make an apology for his absence before the family went to bed. 

Mrs. Bennet was really in a most pitiable state. The very mention of anything concerning the match threw her into an agony of ill-humour, and wherever she went she was sure of hearing it talked of. The sight of Miss Lucas was odious to her. As her successor in that house, she regarded her with jealous abhorrence. Whenever Charlotte came to see them, she concluded her to be anticipating the hour of possession; and whenever she spoke in a low voice to Mr. Collins, was convinced that they were talking of the Longbourn estate, and resolving to turn herself and her daughters out of the house, as soon as Mr. Bennet were dead. She complained bitterly of all this to her husband. 

"Indeed, Mr. Bennet," said she, "it is very hard to think that Charlotte Lucas should ever be mistress of this house, that I should be forced to make way for her, and live to see her take her place in it!" 

"My dear, do not give way to such gloomy thoughts. Let us hope for better things. Let us flatter ourselves that I may be the survivor." 

This was not very consoling to Mrs. Bennet, and therefore, instead of making any answer, she went on as before. 

"I cannot bear to think that they should have all this estate. If it was not for the entail, I should not mind it." 

"What should not you mind?" 

"I should not mind anything at all." 

"Let us be thankful that you are preserved from a state of such insensibility." 

"I never can be thankful, Mr. Bennet, for anything about the entail. How anyone could have the conscience to entail away an estate from one's own daughters, I cannot understand; and all for the sake of Mr. Collins too! Why should he have it more than anybody else?" 

"I leave it to yourself to determine," said Mr. Bennet.