The Edge of Yesterday: Warning contains feelings about 2002 which was a really SHITTY year and also you've probably already heard me cry about this story

I went to see The Edge of Tomorrow last night. It made me think about the past and alternate realities and that sort of thing. But it was mostly the blog post I read this morning that sent me into a terrible time-loop of distress and self-loathing and I don't think there's a big alien to kill that will break me out of this one.

Sometimes you just gotta say the thing and let the other person deal with the thing. Working around someone’s terrible behavior while you grow to dislike them more and more and more isn’t actually kinder.

Captain Awkward

In 2001 I was at a party. I was trying to be… fun. 

You see - I had this problem where I felt really left out of my friendship group. And there were lots of reasonable reasons for this - we were in different year levels at school and so while they were busy with their final year of VCE I was floundering in mental illness and unemployment during the year off which was supposed to refresh me after my life-meltdown of year 12 and telling my mother and my therapist about my sexual abuse.

But it made sense, you know? They’d see each other at school and organise things there and they didn’t see me regularly so, quite naturally, we were drifting apart which made me sad, but not angry, because it was just a thing.

But I thought, maybe, if I were… fun and cool enough they would remember me next time they were having a party or going to the movies or hanging out and then maybe I would get invited to things more. And I wanted to be more fun. More ZANY.

I always wanted to be zany. It was sort of a ongoing struggle for me to… try and manifest some sort of personality. Everyone else had seemed to pick one up naturally at some point, but I felt like I’d missed out on mine. Everyone else seemed to be forming opinions and interests all over the place while the most I could manage was a distain for the Backstreet Boys and an obsession with the Barenaked Ladies.

And that’s probably not the only reason I would get drunk and say and do stupid shit. Or even maybe the biggest. I was fucking miserable, after all.

But there was a dude at this party who’d been someone that none of us had even liked when I’d last had classes with him - which was, admittedly, in 1997 before I skipped up a year. It was a reminder of how disconnected I was from my friends and I recall promising myself that I would put in more effort.

But as I was drunkenly making my way either to or from the toilet this dude pulled me aside and told me I should pull myself together and shouldn’t be so drunk and stupid because it was worrying and annoying and he… he told me that this was why people didn’t invite me to things. 

That wasn’t a kind thing to say. 

I didn’t believe him. This was, you remember, someone I had never considered to be my friend. I thought, that if what he was saying were true, someone would have mentioned it. Only in less mean words. Or something.

I think about it more now, than I did then.

So I tried harder to cling to my friendships - friendships are important, you know, and we’d been pals, the girls at least, since year 7. I started uni  in 2002 and had a pretty good first 6 months, even. I was meeting people* but, you know, that’s not the same as true friendship. The people that are there for the long haul through changing year levels and exams and VCE and all that.

Haha.

And at the end of 2002 I was invited to a Christmas party. I was VERY happy about that - I’d seen my friends even less than ever and everyone was always too busy when I’d invited them to do anything. So I went, and, unshaken in my strategy to be AWESOMELY FUN and MEMORABLE so that I wouldn’t be forgotten so often in the coming year.

I peaked early, as I generally did at parties. It seems more acceptable now that I’m in my thirties but even back in my raging teens I couldn’t really keep awake much past 10pm.

There was a designated “quiet room” though and I thought it would be nice to sit in the quiet room and be quiet for a while and catch up properly with my friends. There were a few people in the room already but soon after I joined them, they trickled out.

And closed the door.

I’d brought my boyfriend-at-the-time to the party so I wasn’t alone. But I saw him plenty often and was at the party to see my friends but no matter how many times I opened the door and tried to smile invitingly at the people who walked past… they just kept closing it so eventually I gave up and went to sleep.

It was not, I am fully aware, anyone else’s responsibility to check my behaviour or correct me or otherwise coach me into being a less irritating adult than I’d, I can reasonably assume, been a teenager.

Someone I didn’t like and who’d had enough to drink to feel it was appropriate to tell other people how to behave had told me I was annoying and that people didn’t like me the year before and I’d felt like that was mean. I guess what I am saying is that I don’t think that the people at this party were being kinder.

Especially when I heard later via someone who would still talk to me that a bunch of people were really mad at me for being horribly rude and taking up the quiet room the whole night. Yeah.

The next morning someone offered me a lift home. I asked multiple times if they were sure they didn’t mind - because, not being able to drive myself, I was often aware of my inability to reciprocate in kind with lifts. She assured me that it was and I was very grateful and I thanked her again as she dropped me off.

And she looked me in the eye and she said “It was so great to see you! I hope I’ll see you again soon!” and she left without inviting me to the New Years Eve party she was hosting three days later.

I don’t think that was kinder.

And I don’t know, I guess, how hurt I would have been if at point between 1996 and 2000 or whenever it was that my problems became too difficult for anyone else to deal with (No blame here, we were all teenagers and my problems were way too difficult for ME to deal with and I had therapists and shit) I’d been told “hey we don’t actually like you or want to be friends with you”. Because I guess they’d probably told me that a million times with attempted slow fades and spurned invitations and not inviting me to things. I just didn’t hear it. Heck, a dude did tell me with words and I just didn't believe him.

Every few years this happens. Something sparks it and I think about it again and even after years of not thinking about it it still hurts so much and I wish I knew how I could make it not do that. Not hurt. Not come back into my head. At least one of those things.

I really enjoyed the movie though! Even though the ending was silly.


* am still friends with these people. <3

Strictly Ballroom: the (wish it wasn't a) musical

Yesterday my friend Miss Fairchild and I went too see Strictly Ballroom: The Musical.

The show was glaringly flawed in many ways but I'm pretty sure I've never enjoyed a live show so much in my life (disclaimer: I've never seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show so ymmv)

It was visually ... all the words I can think of to fit here seem too small. It was SO sparkly. SO colourful. Sparkly curtains, sparkly seats. The costumes were, I think, my favourite part.

The flow of the story seemed off too things seemed to happen in an order because they were following the movie, rather than creating a show that flowed smoothly.

The songs, apart from Time After Time (even Love is in the Air was disappointingly underused, only popping out for the bows, basically)... sucked. Unmemorable and/or incomprehensible there is no way I would buy or listen to the soundtrack. I kind of felt like... they should have just used pop songs instead of trying to write their own. Or just not made it a musical at all. That would have been way better.

And yet I loved it. I had so much fun! It's easy for me to sit here and think "oh it would have been so much better if..." but I wasn't involved in making it so... yeah. But even though parts of it sucked I am super glad it exists and that we saw it and I will probably be thinking about how much I enjoyed it and all the amazing costumes and sets for a really long time.

And this morning I've been looking at my list of barely started fan fiction projects in Google Docs, my Veronica Mars essay, my abandoned Read Along project here on this blog, my short lived "... and remembering that something doesn't have to be perfect to be worthwhile. It can be flawed and also enjoyable. Times approximately infinity if I am doing it for fun, on the internet, for free.

On the other hand for a long time I wasn't really starting anything and I think failing to finish things is a way better problem to have than not being able to start anything at all.

It's lucky that you can't light your house on fire because otherwise my 'lit torches and wooden buckets' collection would cause problems

I'm easily frustrated and terrible at computer games some kinds of computer games.

I mean I rock at The Sims, I reached level 245 of Candy Crush Saga and I only stopped playing Tiny Tower because I ran out of levels. But according to certain internets those don't qualify as "games" so whatever.

Anyway this one time I bought Deus Ex: Revolutions and I died like 7 times in the first 10 minutes. I had the difficulty set to "story mode".

Something about the whole first-person thing gets me confused and disoriented pretty darn quickly I think but I'm okay with that. I stop playing when I stop having fun because I kind of feel like fun should be the point.

I didn't used to be very good at being bad at things. I was good at enough stuff that I managed to basically avoid anything I wasn't immediately good at for a very long time.

My peak year of being really good at stuff was probably 1997 though. Things went a little downhill after that and then picked up steam around 2000-2001.

But I didn't really get a handle on how to deal (academically, anyway) with not actually being as good at things as I felt like I should be and throwing furniture at people out of frustration that I wasn't immediately brilliant at everything until I started exclusively studying things I was kind of shit at. Only way I finished my degree was to do something where getting 50 or 55 for a subject felt like an achievement.

Being good at being terrible at things, is something I wished I'd learned how to do much earlier as it has improved my life... well more than "immensely" or "considerably" or "phenomenally" or any of the other words I was trying to put here. I'm sometimes not very good at picking words. I'm okay with that. It's cool!

Also on the lowest difficulty in Skyrim I can be flamed by a dragon a few times while I work out how to turn around without dying. That's cool too.

Tonight I'm going to party like it's 2009

On Thursday evening I went to see The Caraways, Fox and Fowl and High Tail at Brighton Up Bar.

I hadn't been to see any music in a long time and when my friend suggested that we use our synchronous spouseless evening to go to a bar and see some live music I had a weird thought about whether it would be some kind of weird waste to spend my first live music after a long break on a bunch of bands I didn't know anything about.

It was a silly thought, easily dismissed, but the similar one I had about returning to my long-neglected blog was not so easy to dismiss.

In early 2010 my then-boyfriend joined the navy. The summer prior to that event was probably the best and most productive of my life: I was walking to and from work every day (1hr 5min each way) as well as using the gym in my work building multiple times a week and working lots of hours of overtime. It is both the period of my life that I describe when doctors ask me if I have ever had a manic episode (any doctor I have described this period of my life to in detail has concluded that I was not manic or hypomanic. Just, you know, really happy and fit and productive), and when I want to describe the mental state to which I want to return. I was running both a webcomic and a podcast.

These things had started to drop out of my life prior to the Navy thing and the depression that crept in and took over my life over the next two years had been lurking in the corners for many years: it wasn't a trigger or anything. But it certainly impacted my creative drive in a pretty big way and I found myself pretty much incapable of producing anything creative. I tried to restart my webcomic several times but just never got anywhere with it.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't think it's a coincidence that I didn't update this blog during the time that my now-husband was deployed to the middle east.

It's not like I wasn't depressed before he left and I think overall I coped pretty well with the love of my life being shipped (haha) to the other side of the world but it was just another thing that got harder. (Perhaps he is my muse?)

I dumped my psychiatrist and got a new one recently. He thinks I don't have Borderline Personality Disorder after all but he does think I have ADHD as well as depression so we're treating me for those things for now and earlier this week we completed all of the hoops and paperwork for me to get prescribed stimulants.

I started taking them on tuesday and the best thing I can say about the last three days is that my head feels like it did in 2009. I can think and I can concentrate and I get up early and I get things done and it's kind of amazing that I can have this headspace without spending 3-4 hours a day exercising. I certainly want to get back to the point where I can do regular exercise (and getting my hip operated on early next year will hopefully help me become a person who can go running regularly again) but I don't think I need to be doing 3+ hours a day.

Anyway our evening didn't go exactly as planned: the first thing that happened was that the bar didn't serve wine by the bottle so our scheme of getting there early and sharing a bottle of wine over the evening was scrapped. the second thing that happened was that the gig was $10 even though the gig guide that had directed us to the event in the first place had listed it as free. The third thing that happened was that the band I had looked up and decided that I absolutely had to see wasn't actually playing after all.

Far from being disappointed, however, the Caraways were fresh and energetic and kind of adorable babies who'd learned to shout-tunefully better than they could sing. I think they have potential.

The Fox and Fowl kind of blew me away with their first couple of songs although they dipped in the middle. They mentioned that they have an album (or an EP?) coming out next year which I am certainly looking forward to.

High Tail were a little disappointing after Fox and Fowl which made me feel bad because they weren't bad at all. But by that point it was late and I was tired and I had worked out by that point that Kite Club were not actually a part of this gig after all. Also I think they listened to a lot of Smash Mouth back in the day (but not as much as The Caraways listened to The Cure).

I'm looking forward to hearing more from Fox and Fowl, snuggling my husband, seeing more live music and, hopefully, blogging more regularly.

Read Along: Pride & Prejudice - Chapter 27

With no greater events than these in the Longbourn family, and otherwise diversified by little beyond the walks to Meryton, sometimes dirty and sometimes cold, did January and February pass away. March was to take Elizabeth to Hunsford. She had not at first thought very seriously of going thither; but Charlotte, she soon found, was depending on the plan and she gradually learned to consider it herself with greater pleasure as well as greater certainty. Absence had increased her desire of seeing Charlotte again, and weakened her disgust of Mr. Collins. There was novelty in the scheme, and as, with such a mother and such uncompanionable sisters, home could not be faultless, a little change was not unwelcome for its own sake. The journey would moreover give her a peep at Jane; and, in short, as the time drew near, she would have been very sorry for any delay. Everything, however, went on smoothly, and was finally settled according to Charlotte's first sketch. She was to accompany Sir William and his second daughter. The improvement of spending a night in London was added in time, and the plan became perfect as plan could be. 

Elizabeth has been at home for months with neither Jane nor Charlotte. She doesn't get along with her other sisters very well and we haven't heard of her having any other close friends. No wonder she's looking forward to visiting the Collinses!

The only pain was in leaving her father, who would certainly miss her, and who, when it came to the point, so little liked her going, that he told her to write to him, and almost promised to answer her letter. 

The farewell between herself and Mr. Wickham was perfectly friendly; on his side even more. His present pursuit could not make him forget that Elizabeth had been the first to excite and to deserve his attention, the first to listen and to pity, the first to be admired; and in his manner of bidding her adieu, wishing her every enjoyment, reminding her of what she was to expect in Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and trusting their opinion of her—their opinion of everybody—would always coincide, there was a solicitude, an interest which she felt must ever attach her to him with a most sincere regard; and she parted from him convinced that, whether married or single, he must always be her model of the amiable and pleasing. 

Her fellow-travellers the next day were not of a kind to make her think him less agreeable. Sir William Lucas, and his daughter Maria, a good-humoured girl, but as empty-headed as himself, had nothing to say that could be worth hearing, and were listened to with about as much delight as the rattle of the chaise. Elizabeth loved absurdities, but she had known Sir William's too long. He could tell her nothing new of the wonders of his presentation and knighthood; and his civilities were worn out, like his information. 

It was a journey of only twenty-four miles, and they began it so early as to be in Gracechurch Street by noon. As they drove to Mr. Gardiner's door, Jane was at a drawing-room window watching their arrival; when they entered the passage she was there to welcome them, and Elizabeth, looking earnestly in her face, was pleased to see it healthful and lovely as ever. On the stairs were a troop of little boys and girls, whose eagerness for their cousin's appearance would not allow them to wait in the drawing-room, and whose shyness, as they had not seen her for a twelvemonth, prevented their coming lower. All was joy and kindness. The day passed most pleasantly away; the morning in bustle and shopping, and the evening at one of the theatres. 

Elizabeth then contrived to sit by her aunt. Their first object was her sister; and she was more grieved than astonished to hear, in reply to her minute inquiries, that though Jane always struggled to support her spirits, there were periods of dejection. It was reasonable, however, to hope that they would not continue long. Mrs. Gardiner gave her the particulars also of Miss Bingley's visit in Gracechurch Street, and repeated conversations occurring at different times between Jane and herself, which proved that the former had, from her heart, given up the acquaintance. 

Mrs. Gardiner then rallied her niece on Wickham's desertion, and complimented her on bearing it so well. 

"But my dear Elizabeth," she added, "what sort of girl is Miss King? I should be sorry to think our friend mercenary." 

"Pray, my dear aunt, what is the difference in matrimonial affairs, between the mercenary and the prudent motive? Where does discretion end, and avarice begin? Last Christmas you were afraid of his marrying me, because it would be imprudent; and now, because he is trying to get a girl with only ten thousand pounds, you want to find out that he is mercenary." 

Mr Wickham has dropped Elizabeth in favour of a girl who has recently inherited a fortune. Lizzy still struggles to see him in a bad light for this: I think it's a combination of liking him a lot, but not being in love with him at all. Maybe she's trying to be more like Jane.

"If you will only tell me what sort of girl Miss King is, I shall know what to think."
"She is a very good kind of girl, I believe. I know no harm of her." 

"But he paid her not the smallest attention till her grandfather's death made her mistress of this fortune." 

"No—why should he? If it were not allowable for him to gain my affections because I had no money, what occasion could there be for making love to a girl whom he did not care about, and who was equally poor?" 

"But there seems an indelicacy in directing his attentions towards her so soon after this event." 

"A man in distressed circumstances has not time for all those elegant decorums which other people may observe. If she does not object to it, why should we?" 

Should we? Miss King must know more than anyone that Wickham didn't pay any attention to her until she became wealthy... and yet she must also be aware that she's suddenly a much more attractive bride all around: should she not take advantage of that?

"Her not objecting does not justify him. It only shows her being deficient in something herself—sense or feeling." 

"Well," cried Elizabeth, "have it as you choose. He shall be mercenary, and she shall be foolish." 

"No, Lizzy, that is what I do not choose. I should be sorry, you know, to think ill of a young man who has lived so long in Derbyshire." 

"Oh! if that is all, I have a very poor opinion of young men who live in Derbyshire; and their intimate friends who live in Hertfordshire are not much better. I am sick of them all. Thank Heaven! I am going to-morrow where I shall find a man who has not one agreeable quality, who has neither manner nor sense to recommend him. Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing, after all." 

"Take care, Lizzy; that speech savours strongly of disappointment." 

Before they were separated by the conclusion of the play, she had the unexpected happiness of an invitation to accompany her uncle and aunt in a tour of pleasure which they proposed taking in the summer. 

"We have not determined how far it shall carry us," said Mrs. Gardiner, "but, perhaps, to the Lakes." 

No scheme could have been more agreeable to Elizabeth, and her acceptance of the invitation was most ready and grateful. "Oh, my dear, dear aunt," she rapturously cried, "what delight! what felicity! You give me fresh life and vigour. Adieu to disappointment and spleen. What are young men to rocks and mountains? Oh! what hours of transport we shall spend! And when we do return, it shall not be like other travellers, without being able to give one accurate idea of anything. We will know where we have gone—we will recollect what we have seen. Lakes, mountains, and rivers shall not be jumbled together in our imaginations; nor when we attempt to describe any particular scene, will we begin quarreling about its relative situation. Let our first effusions be less insupportable than those of the generality of travellers."

And that's it for this week - next week we get to play with Mr Collins again! Hooray!

Review: Nerd All Star Comedy Gala @ Sydney Comedy Festival

On Tuesday night I attended the Nerd All Star Comedy Gala in Marrickville. Four academics and three comedian's took to the stage and entertained us for the evening.

They alternated between comedian and academic which made for frequent refreshing changes of pace. I think I enjoyed the academics more than the comedians (there was slightly too much anti-hipsterism and haha-men-and-women-are-different-isn't-that-hilarious (nope) for my taste. But much less of that than I expected, which was nice.)

One of my favourite talks was from Nalini Joshi (Mathematician), we watched a short documentary all about how how she got into maths and then she solved the Tower of Hanoi puzzle for us. I failed second year maths at uni and I felt like I only just followed her equations on the board. But I did and it all made sense and was interesting! Hurrah.

But I think my actual favourite was Tom Denson talking about aggressive tendencies and self-control. It turns out that you can make people nicer by getting them to use their non-dominant hand for stuff. It turns out that by increasing people's self-control they become less aggressive. I found that pretty interesting, anyway.

Anyway the other talks were good but I'm embarassed by the fact that I don't remember which white male comedian was which so I am not going to tell you about all of them.

For less than $30 I thought it was a pretty good value evening and I recommend it if it shows up elsewhere or becomes an annual event at the Sydney Comedy Festival.

Read Along: Pride & Prejudice - Chapter 26

Mrs. Gardiner's caution to Elizabeth was punctually and kindly given on the first favourable opportunity of speaking to her alone; after honestly telling her what she thought, she thus went on: 

"You are too sensible a girl, Lizzy, to fall in love merely because you are warned against it; and, therefore, I am not afraid of speaking openly. Seriously, I would have you be on your guard. Do not involve yourself or endeavour to involve him in an affection which the want of fortune would make so very imprudent. I have nothing to say against him; he is a most interesting young man; and if he had the fortune he ought to have, I should think you could not do better. But as it is, you must not let your fancy run away with you. You have sense, and we all expect you to use it. Your father would depend on your resolution and good conduct, I am sure. You must not disappoint your father." 

Mrs Gardiner is warning Elizabeth not to become involved with Mr Wickham because he doesn't have enough money.

"My dear aunt, this is being serious indeed." 

"Yes, and I hope to engage you to be serious likewise." 

"Well, then, you need not be under any alarm. I will take care of myself, and of Mr. Wickham too. He shall not be in love with me, if I can prevent it." 

"Elizabeth, you are not serious now." 

"I beg your pardon, I will try again. At present I am not in love with Mr. Wickham; no, I certainly am not. But he is, beyond all comparison, the most agreeable man I ever saw—and if he becomes really attached to me—I believe it will be better that he should not. I see the imprudence of it. Oh! that abominable Mr. Darcy! My father's opinion of me does me the greatest honour, and I should be miserable to forfeit it. My father, however, is partial to Mr. Wickham. In short, my dear aunt, I should be very sorry to be the means of making any of you unhappy; but since we see every day that where there is affection, young people are seldom withheld by immediate want of fortune from entering into engagements with each other, how can I promise to be wiser than so many of my fellow-creatures if I am tempted, or how am I even to know that it would be wisdom to resist? All that I can promise you, therefore, is not to be in a hurry. I will not be in a hurry to believe myself his first object. When I am in company with him, I will not be wishing. In short, I will do my best." 

"Perhaps it will be as well if you discourage his coming here so very often. At least, you should not remind your mother of inviting him." 

"As I did the other day," said Elizabeth with a conscious smile: "very true, it will be wise in me to refrain from that. But do not imagine that he is always here so often. It is on your account that he has been so frequently invited this week. You know my mother's ideas as to the necessity of constant company for her friends. But really, and upon my honour, I will try to do what I think to be the wisest; and now I hope you are satisfied." 

Her aunt assured her that she was, and Elizabeth having thanked her for the kindness of her hints, they parted; a wonderful instance of advice being given on such a point, without being resented. 

Mr. Collins returned into Hertfordshire soon after it had been quitted by the Gardiners and Jane; but as he took up his abode with the Lucases, his arrival was no great inconvenience to Mrs. Bennet. His marriage was now fast approaching, and she was at length so far resigned as to think it inevitable, and even repeatedly to say, in an ill-natured tone, that she "wished they might be happy." Thursday was to be the wedding day, and on Wednesday Miss Lucas paid her farewell visit; and when she rose to take leave, Elizabeth, ashamed of her mother's ungracious and reluctant good wishes, and sincerely affected herself, accompanied her out of the room. As they went downstairs together, Charlotte said: 

"I shall depend on hearing from you very often, Eliza." 

"That you certainly shall." 

"And I have another favour to ask you. Will you come and see me?" 

"We shall often meet, I hope, in Hertfordshire." 

"I am not likely to leave Kent for some time. Promise me, therefore, to come to Hunsford." 

Elizabeth could not refuse, though she foresaw little pleasure in the visit. 

"My father and Maria are coming to me in March," added Charlotte, "and I hope you will consent to be of the party. Indeed, Eliza, you will be as welcome as either of them." 

The wedding took place; the bride and bridegroom set off for Kent from the church door, and everybody had as much to say, or to hear, on the subject as usual. Elizabeth soon heard from her friend; and their correspondence was as regular and frequent as it had ever been; that it should be equally unreserved was impossible. Elizabeth could never address her without feeling that all the comfort of intimacy was over, and though determined not to slacken as a correspondent, it was for the sake of what had been, rather than what was. Charlotte's first letters were received with a good deal of eagerness; there could not but be curiosity to know how she would speak of her new home, how she would like Lady Catherine, and how happy she would dare pronounce herself to be; though, when the letters were read, Elizabeth felt that Charlotte expressed herself on every point exactly as she might have foreseen. She wrote cheerfully, seemed surrounded with comforts, and mentioned nothing which she could not praise. The house, furniture, neighbourhood, and roads, were all to her taste, and Lady Catherine's behaviour was most friendly and obliging. It was Mr. Collins's picture of Hunsford and Rosings rationally softened; and Elizabeth perceived that she must wait for her own visit there to know the rest. 

I find it pretty sad that Elizabeth feels like she can't be as close to Charlotte now that she's married.

Jane had already written a few lines to her sister to announce their safe arrival in London; and when she wrote again, Elizabeth hoped it would be in her power to say something of the Bingleys. 

Her impatience for this second letter was as well rewarded as impatience generally is. Jane had been a week in town without either seeing or hearing from Caroline. She accounted for it, however, by supposing that her last letter to her friend from Longbourn had by some accident been lost. 

Ha.

"My aunt," she continued, "is going to-morrow into that part of the town, and I shall take the opportunity of calling in Grosvenor Street." 

She wrote again when the visit was paid, and she had seen Miss Bingley. "I did not think Caroline in spirits," were her words, "but she was very glad to see me, and reproached me for giving her no notice of my coming to London. I was right, therefore, my last letter had never reached her. I inquired after their brother, of course. He was well, but so much engaged with Mr. Darcy that they scarcely ever saw him. I found that Miss Darcy was expected to dinner. I wish I could see her. My visit was not long, as Caroline and Mrs. Hurst were going out. I dare say I shall see them soon here." 

Elizabeth shook her head over this letter. It convinced her that accident only could discover to Mr. Bingley her sister's being in town. 

Four weeks passed away, and Jane saw nothing of him. She endeavoured to persuade herself that she did not regret it; but she could no longer be blind to Miss Bingley's inattention. After waiting at home every morning for a fortnight, and inventing every evening a fresh excuse for her, the visitor did at last appear; but the shortness of her stay, and yet more, the alteration of her manner would allow Jane to deceive herself no longer. The letter which she wrote on this occasion to her sister will prove what she felt. 

"My dearest Lizzy will, I am sure, be incapable of triumphing in her better judgement, at my expense, when I confess myself to have been entirely deceived in Miss Bingley's regard for me. But, my dear sister, though the event has proved you right, do not think me obstinate if I still assert that, considering what her behaviour was, my confidence was as natural as your suspicion. I do not at all comprehend her reason for wishing to be intimate with me; but if the same circumstances were to happen again, I am sure I should be deceived again. Caroline did not return my visit till yesterday; and not a note, not a line, did I receive in the meantime. When she did come, it was very evident that she had no pleasure in it; she made a slight, formal apology, for not calling before, said not a word of wishing to see me again, and was in every respect so altered a creature, that when she went away I was perfectly resolved to continue the acquaintance no longer. I pity, though I cannot help blaming her. She was very wrong in singling me out as she did; I can safely say that every advance to intimacy began on her side. But I pity her, because she must feel that she has been acting wrong, and because I am very sure that anxiety for her brother is the cause of it. I need not explain myself farther; and though we know this anxiety to be quite needless, yet if she feels it, it will easily account for her behaviour to me; and so deservedly dear as he is to his sister, whatever anxiety she must feel on his behalf is natural and amiable. I cannot but wonder, however, at her having any such fears now, because, if he had at all cared about me, we must have met, long ago. He knows of my being in town, I am certain, from something she said herself; and yet it would seem, by her manner of talking, as if she wanted to persuade herself that he is really partial to Miss Darcy. I cannot understand it. If I were not afraid of judging harshly, I should be almost tempted to say that there is a strong appearance of duplicity in all this. But I will endeavour to banish every painful thought, and think only of what will make me happy—your affection, and the invariable kindness of my dear uncle and aunt. Let me hear from you very soon. Miss Bingley said something of his never returning to Netherfield again, of giving up the house, but not with any certainty. We had better not mention it. I am extremely glad that you have such pleasant accounts from our friends at Hunsford. Pray go to see them, with Sir William and Maria. I am sure you will be very comfortable there.—Yours, etc." 

Jane, who by all accounts is super sweet and forgiving, has decided not to be friends with Caroline Bingley. We have seen before and after this that Jane will excuse all sorts of behaviour and even in this chapter she's assumed that Caroline didn't receive her letter rather than was just ignoring her. So for Jane to decide that she doesn't want to continue the acquaintance ..? I think she's way more hurt and offended than she lets on in the letter. Poor Jane.

This letter gave Elizabeth some pain; but her spirits returned as she considered that Jane would no longer be duped, by the sister at least. All expectation from the brother was now absolutely over. She would not even wish for a renewal of his attentions. His character sunk on every review of it; and as a punishment for him, as well as a possible advantage to Jane, she seriously hoped he might really soon marry Mr. Darcy's sister, as by Wickham's account, she would make him abundantly regret what he had thrown away. 

Mrs. Gardiner about this time reminded Elizabeth of her promise concerning that gentleman, and required information; and Elizabeth had such to send as might rather give contentment to her aunt than to herself. His apparent partiality had subsided, his attentions were over, he was the admirer of some one else. Elizabeth was watchful enough to see it all, but she could see it and write of it without material pain. Her heart had been but slightly touched, and her vanity was satisfied with believing that she would have been his only choice, had fortune permitted it. The sudden acquisition of ten thousand pounds was the most remarkable charm of the young lady to whom he was now rendering himself agreeable; but Elizabeth, less clear-sighted perhaps in this case than in Charlotte's, did not quarrel with him for his wish of independence. Nothing, on the contrary, could be more natural; and while able to suppose that it cost him a few struggles to relinquish her, she was ready to allow it a wise and desirable measure for both, and could very sincerely wish him happy. 

Miss King has suddenly become rich and Mr Wickham has stopped flirting with Elizabeth and started chasing after her instead.

All this was acknowledged to Mrs. Gardiner; and after relating the circumstances, she thus went on: "I am now convinced, my dear aunt, that I have never been much in love; for had I really experienced that pure and elevating passion, I should at present detest his very name, and wish him all manner of evil. But my feelings are not only cordial towards him; they are even impartial towards Miss King. I cannot find out that I hate her at all, or that I am in the least unwilling to think her a very good sort of girl. There can be no love in all this. My watchfulness has been effectual; and though I certainly should be a more interesting object to all my acquaintances were I distractedly in love with him, I cannot say that I regret my comparative insignificance. Importance may sometimes be purchased too dearly. Kitty and Lydia take his defection much more to heart than I do. They are young in the ways of the world, and not yet open to the mortifying conviction that handsome young men must have something to live on as well as the plain."

Elizabeth has been dropped in favour of a Miss King and based on the fact that she doesn't hate either of them, Elizabeth concludes that she isn't in love with Mr Wickham.

BUT Mr Bingley has dropped Jane in favour of Miss Darcy - and Jane doesn't have any ill feelings toward either of them either. Should we conclude that Jane was never serious in her feelings about Mr Bingley? I really don't think so.

So sorry about the delay in updates. My excuse is that my husband has been deployed to the middle east and I was too busy hanging out with him and then being sad that he had left to update. Hope to get back in to the swing of life (and blogging) again now.